Dear Trainwrecks

Dear Trainwrecks the website (tm),

Never mind the fact that you mock people's pain, that you shine a spotlight on the strangest corners of the internet and make sure we all have bad dreams about adults who are just trying to lead their happy, quiet existence -- in diapers.

No, what I resent is that you go out of your way to make sure I spend hours following threads and reading stories about and by people I'd cross the street to avoid. I find myself worrying about these strangers who've left their husbands for the fourteenth time and who are drinking themselves sick, again.

You've wasted hours of my life making me follow threads of threads and forcing me to find out what happened to various traumatic polyamorous break-ups caused by sex-changes or the introduction of more playpals. You pointed out that there might be such a thing as woman sperm and, by golly, two hours later I finally got to the part you were talking about. Because of you, I missed my kid's bedtime--I had to find out about a woman who missed her kids because she worshipped a fictional character just a little too much. I had to look at the shrines she set up. I'm just a little bit sadder now.

[have I got five paragraphs yet? no?] I can't believe that you made me bookmark your page so I can check it to see if someone's finally left some good snark about Casey, whom I adore so much I've almost considered sending him an alarm clock and some jamba juice, whatever the hell that is. I have work to do, trainwrecks, and you stop me from doing it. When my husband says it's time to go to bed, wink, wink, I say no, not yet, I have to discover what happened to Dooce's lawsuit. And what about her husband, anyway? Because of you, tw, my own life will soon be a trainwreck, I'm sure of it.

Thanks very much, I don't think, for making me nearly as foul-mouthed and small-minded as Mr. Pickles, whom I suspect is really a woman because she frets so much about breastfeeding twins.

So, what do I win?
Never mind! I can see I won some snark about my multiple posts ["two!! jeebus, what a self-centered bitch"]. That is the absolute best someone aiming to for that 2006 Annoying Award can hope for.

And then there's this, which as Zombie points out, is a real gift. Imagine how impressive it would be in the flesh.


  1. Anonymous1:42 PM

    Lol. I hope I'm not one of "the trainwrecks" though I am a tw. Great post. I can totally identify.

  2. it's an actual site, Corn Dog. Not the tw's in general. . .And you are so far from being a trainwreck you're in a whole other solar system.

  3. there. I added a link so you can see that I HAD to write a letter. It's practically a meme.

  4. Anonymous1:53 PM

    Ooooh, my goodness. How did this site ever elude me? I'm not the trainwreck I thought. just out to lunch, as usual. I have bookmarked the place so it can waste my time .

  5. Anonymous2:39 PM


    I confess to wasting somewhere around 4 hours reading a messageboard that got mentioned in the Squalor Survivors thread on TW.

    It was worth it, though, because it gave me perhaps the best gift I've ever received. A photo of a roasted rooster astride a suckling pig. With a helmet. And a spear.

    Perhaps you can consider this your prize and treasure it always, as I do.


  6. Anonymous3:55 PM

    Women sperm?


    Are we talking about female ejaculation, which is old news, I mean really old news, or are we talking about something which could get me pregnant?

  7. Anonymous5:44 AM

    I will resits - I will resist - I will REsist!!
    I will not go to the trainwreck site and spend my afternoon there.

    Dammit Kate, there are people trying to work here!

  8. I can't find the link, Doug but a poster was impregnated by woman sperm.

    When the readers said WTF, woman sperm? the poster said, well, it is from a person who was on her way to becoming a woman and who referred to herself as a woman. She refers to herself as female therefore it is woman sperm and to do otherwise was disrepecting her true identity. And then there were approx. 20000 more posts mostly about how she might be a woman, fine, but there was no such thing as woman sperm. I'm too lazy to find the link.

  9. re: the link. I can't find it because I'm too lazy.

  10. Ohhhh, Kate, you ruffian, you! Three hours ago I had a perfectly fine snow day ahead of me and a list of Things to Do, and now? Now what do I have? A perfectly fine day mostly behind me, a restless cooped-up kid, an untouched List of Things to Do, and more knowledge than I ever thought I wanted about Dooce and her lawsuit and what many, many people think of the aforementioned (Dooce and lawsuit, that is, not me and my lists).

    Ah, well. At least I managed to feed us lunch. And give the kid a bath.

    How on earth do you manage to write WHOLE NOVELS when you keep finding these great time-sinks?

  11. Anonymous7:28 PM

    Where did Trainwrecks go? Any Idea?
    (longtime reader, first time poster)
    I am VERY upset

  12. Golly! I have no idea.

    (Maybe they annoyed someone who has computer smarts?)

  13. Anonymous6:41 PM

    I love that site; they go out and find the craziest corners of the internet and bring them back for our reading delight. I am wasting so much time checking to see if it is back up.


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