My Christmas Present

I love having snotty adolescent and pre-adolescent boys. I mean it. Sometimes the eye-rolling is gets old but when they show their lack of respect in amazingly creative and funny ways, I have to applaud. And when they turn that smart alecky goodness into cards and projects for me? Oh, it just turns me into a puddle of happy Mother Goo. Boys one and two (15 and 12) got together and made me a gift. I wish I could add their lovely festive Christmas border. Heck I wish I could add the numbers.



A List of Five Hundred (Give or Take) Things we Like Less
Than Kate Rothwell


Che Guavera
Nouns
Adjectives
Pronouns
Adverbs
Lemon Custard
Flan
White Mice
The Mason-Dixon line
Gettysburg
Fredericksburg
Antietam
Shiloh
The Seven Days Battle
Stonewall Jackson’s Shenandoah Campaign
Strength for now
Strength for later
Strength that you kinda put in the back of the fridge with the old Chinese food till it grows a fine layer of mold, and then you take it out and say “What the hell is this?”
Sasquatch
Solitaire
Crazy Bruce
Paper hats
Giraffes
Boogers
Mitochondria
Chloroplasts
Ribosomes
Golgi Apparati
Rough Endoplasmic Reticulum
Smooth Endoplasmic Reticulum
Unintelligible Words
YATTA
Beanses
Penguins
Gollum
The Land of Mordor Where the Shadows lie.
Beowulf
Neo
Trinity
Borpheus
Agent Smith
Paris Hilton
Orpheus
Mornings
Cobblestones
A Pointad Stack
Bananas
Communists
Socialists
Nazis
Fascists
Monarchs
Apple
Pubic Hair
Constipation
Bad Wigs
The Whig Party
Annabelle the Sheep
The Homosexual Agenda
The homosexual Controversy
Spongebob Squarepants
Hambags
Inelligent Design vs. Darwinsism
Babies. The evil, evil babies
Chimpanzees
Diapers
Bucky Dent
The word “yogurt”
Yogurt
Bunnies
And their noses
And their fluffy widdle tails
Badd Speeling
Those annoying red lines that appear under misspelled words
Misshapen blobs of semi-hardened Earwax
Canon Ink Jet Printers
PRUNSES
Golden bells
Brazen bells
Iron bells
The bells, bells, bells, bells.
Mao Ze Dong
Mao Tse Tung
Mao Tze Dong
Jell-O
Farts
Bears
Bars
Lumberjacks
Norwegian Blues
People who Say that They will Help with a gift, but instead just Read the Onion, and Dance Retarded Dances with their Younger Brothers. Not That I’m Talking About Anyone Specific
S.A.D.D.
People who write about you behind your back, EVEN THOUGH they have helped you this whole time, and refuse to let you take a break or they will say it is only from THEM. Not That I’m Talking About Someone Specific.
People Who have no work ethic, and want to take too many breaks, and whose idea of helping is contributing A MERE 50 WORDS TO THE LIST, and then quit on word 465.
People Who needlessly Slander Their Younger Brothers, Who helped A Whole Lot More Than Fifty Words, You Jackass. GO TO HELL!
NO YOU GO TO HELL!
_ _ _ _ (the middle finger)
Hell
Splinters

There are plenty more and I know you want to read them.

Comments

  1. They like you better than Angels, Demons, Paris Hilton and Ann Coulter. That is impressive.

    Who's Annabelle the Sheep, or shouldn't I ask?

    ReplyDelete
  2. Hello, I'm here via Balls and Walnuts. This is the first time I've been here, so I feel like I should say, "Nice to meet you."

    I read your short story "John," and I really liked it. I used to work with adults with disabilities, and things like that happen a lot more than you'd think. I think boundaries must be a learned art.

    Anyway, your sons sound like great people, and funny! My seven year old made me a Christmas card and I cried like a baby. Funny how they can do that so easily, isn't it?

    She even said to me, "Mom, I know you'll like the card I made you. You'll probably cry." All matter-of-fact, and then she was right!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Hysterical. They sound like great sons. And I love lists, too, so that was extra-cool for me.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Hmm, they like Summer Devon less than Kate Rothwell. Maybe she really is another person, who only comes out when you're asleep...

    Seriously, great list, great boys. You know that your Boy 1 is going to marry my niece, right? (It's okay, Boy 1 - she's pretty, and she reads Pratchett.)

    ReplyDelete
  5. They really dislike bears don't they? Fabulous list. One of the problems I've found in teaching Xavier (almost 4!)to "fuck authority" is that he doesn't want to listen to me most of the time. Go figure right? LOL. It will be worth it the end though if he turns out as cool as your boys right? Right....?

    ReplyDelete
  6. Cheryl, Speaking as a parent, the whole Questioning Authority Thing is a big pain in the neck. They've learned to ask such clever questions when all I want is Peace. As an aunt, I loved urging on the nephews and neices. Heh.

    The bears are a Stephen Colbert thing. Boy 1 is a big SC and Jon Stewart fan. They've also just discovered Black Adder. Politics and dirty sex jokes. Nothing I particularly need at the dinner table. . . Ask about their day and get a diatribe or off-color joke. They're pretty good at telling off boy three (8 years old)when he tries to say those kinds of things "No! Don't you worry about what that means! Don't you say those words!" The lil hypocrits -- I wonder where they pick that up, sez Summer Devon.

    I asked about Annabelle and she's not nearly as ominous as I'd expected. She's the dancing sheep you get when you used some online music program--real player. I guess she's the automatic sheep activated when you turn on the program.

    Hi Shelbi. . . !!

    ReplyDelete
  7. I'm sensing...

    I'm sensing that they like you more than bears. My only question is would those be cuddly suffed bears (a la the scary rabbits) or grizzly bears?

    'Cause I think I like you more than bears but I need to know where in the spectrum I fall.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Damn. What do they have against chimpanzees? Penguins I can understand, since they've become little tuxedoed tools of the Religious Right, but chimpanzees?

    ReplyDelete
  9. And pubic hair? I don't think you want to know how that made it on the list.

    ReplyDelete
  10. I'm suprrised Farts made the list!

    >>You Jackass. GO TO HELL!
    NO YOU GO TO HELL!
    _ _ _ _ (the middle finger)


    This is what I have to look forward to in a couple of years.

    ReplyDelete
  11. it's hard to be an artist of any kind an stick it all out there to have it lopt off by syncopants and hangers onners....did i spell those right ?????

    do they make sense.....???

    now to more serious inquiry....BUNNIES ??????....those nuzzly lil critters who herald Easter and leave the tiny chocolate minieggs behind...lol....

    and jiggly wiggly jello.....NOOOOOOOOOOOOO....you can laugh for 20 mins playing with it !!!

    i must say that i heartily approve of their Paris Hilton choice~*~gag me with a spoon~*~

    hope you're having a happy new year Kate....nanza

    ReplyDelete
  12. robaloo and mom9:09 PM

    hi kule kate. we think your boys are very smart and funny just like you. we think they like you best. we hope you are having a good winter. it is still nice at our house and we have no snow at all. stay super dooper.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Boy Numero Uno11:09 AM

    Just for the record, Chimps are bad because they are trying to bring down the house of god. They are infidels. I mean, intelligent design? C'mon, get serious. We were made by god in a week. Give or take. Also, farts smell bad, and are rude. As for bears, I am not at liberty to comment. We are being watched... Jello: Poking jell-o is al nice and dandy, but not nearly as fun as puching parental figures to the point of insanity, then slowly ree-e-e-e-eling them back. As for the curses: We were under stress, having worked for many hours. That was a bit of it coming through. I apologize for the length of this entry.

    ReplyDelete
  14. 1. You're supposed to be doing your bio homework, not internet surfing.

    2. What happens when you push those parental units too far and they go over the edge? Then what? Who'll pay out those big allowances? Ever think of that, you goober?

    Mom.

    ReplyDelete

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