interview with a PITA

I swear to god I have an anti-muse living in my head. Shannon Stacey often interviews her muse, maybe I could serve an eviction notice on the anti-muse.

me: dude, go away

am: you and what army will make me? And by the way? Your face! [odd that he sounds a lot like one of my kids--pick a kid, any kid]

me: Hey, maybe this will banish you. I have here an email from my agent who says she loves the first few chapters of this story and wants to see more.

am: so? what makes you think I'm gonna shut up enough to let you write LALALALALALALALALALALALA and by the way? She's just one person. What does she know. This story is stupid.

me: [whimpering.] What will it take?

am: Bribe me and maybe I'll go away. I accept promises of chocolate and procrastination.

me: please, please, just let me finish this scene. I've been stuck on this scene for hours.

am: only if you immediately twitter afterwards. Make it about politics so you lose more readers. And by the way? Have you noticed how grungy your floors are? Aren't you ashamed to live in a house with those floors? Oh and by the way? You haven't blog-hopped in hours maybe you got a reply to that comment--

me: Okay! okay! I get that I need to make some sort of sacrifice to you. Here's a chocolate chip cookie, now shut up and let me work.

am: [munch munch munch.] Good. but, hmm, where's the milk? And by the way? Isn't it time to make more coffee? You better or I'll make you TIREDER. And by the way? This interview looks like crap. Put in some spaces would you? And by the way? I've picked the phrase I'm going to make you randomly throw in every single thing you write today. Have fun picking it out when you go back to edit. If I ever allow you to edit.


  1. Anonymous4:36 PM


    I have AM's cousin living in my head. If you get AM's ass out of your house, PLEASE tell me what worked.

  2. I just laughed inappropriately at work - so funny! I want more AM!

  3. "This story is stupid."

    I know that anti-muse very well. I shut her up by abandoning the project and turning to something else. Worked like a charm because the alternative story is flowing like a chocolate river without Augustus Gloop in it.

  4. Holy Toledo. What is my mother doing in your head?

  5. I have two voices in my head. One sounds like a hyper kid. "Hey, we could do this! Right now! This is a great idea, come on, play with meeeee!"

    The other one says, "You can't write, your ideas are dumb, this whole book sucks."

    The constant struggle is always to listen to the happy voice. Because even if it's wrong, I prefer it.


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