don't try this at home.

I think it's been established that calling from work and asking what's for dinner two hours after I've served dinner and cleaned up the kitchen isn't the best idea.

But that's not the dangerous part, the part that needs to be changed. We have two people who don't like to get angry. It pisses us off to get mad.

So instead of a small snap of "I don't know what you'll eat. Cereal. Pizza. I'm done making goddamn dinner." ending it, there's more. He makes the effort to stay out of trouble which gets him mad at me about getting pissed off about the dinner thing. And I'm tee'd off at him for getting pissed off and then at me for snapping about a stupid little point. I mean, why can't I make dinner twice? What a bitch I am and what a bastard he is for making me feel like a bitch and ooooooo I'm so angry. . and.

See? It just gets too complex.

What we need in our marriage is someone who likes a good fight instead of resenting the sensation of anger. I've been reading menage a trois (just because people I like are writing them.)

We need one of those, only without the sex--unless he's really hawt, maybe.

I'm thinking someone who'll yell back with gusto and pleasure and no backing down, dammit. We need a participant in these fights, instead of an inept, fuming internalizing-pain pansy. We require a partner who'll follow me--or him--from room to room making points and even storming, instead of just waving a hand and saying "never mind." or "I'm sorry" (even though we aren't sorry. We just want to get out before things get worse. Cowards.) Someone who can yell and then smile--instead of never yell and sulk.

I guess the dog will do. She barks sometimes. That's kind of like yelling.

Comments

  1. Anonymous11:11 PM

    I've never quite understood how you can get "noisy and angry" with "gusto and pleasure" as you put it, and then be laughing about it soon afterwards. Or how a couple manages to feel comfortable with that.

    But then I've never understood how people could stay in incredibly abusive relationships either - and they plainly do.

    It's a fine line to tread between the two. Be careful what you wish for.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Lyvvie3:00 AM

    Oh! OH! I hav an "inept, fuming internalizing-pain pansy" Too!! Aren't they annoying! I'm a bit of a shouty, get the point out, I know I'm right and you're dead in the water type of of arguer (Of course I'm fair and use this only when I AM right). But he just says one thing and expects the trumpets to blare the end of the argument - and he's almost always wrong. Then I go fume in the kitchen and tidy away every crumb, bang every pan expecting him to come in set things right, but he chickens out hoping to wait out my temper. Which is stupid as I just get Even More Mad!

    Last time it happened I froze him out for 72 hours and only served him tea in the mug with the pig on it, and cooked dinners I know he hates. At least he eventually apologizes.

    It would be so much better to just have the fight out in the open at the first flare up rather than dragging out the frustration for days. Twelve years of marriage and he still can't figure this out. I Feel Your Pain!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Sam6:41 AM

    I shout at the wall when I'm alone, get it all out.
    Hubby grew up in a very neglectful, abusive family, and so anger and shouting make him incredibly insecure. I grew up in a secure, loud environment, so I had to learn not to shout with my hubby. (I prefer shouting & getting everything out in the open - my husband just wants to bury everything quietly and maybe it will go away.)
    So I've learned not to shout, and he's learned to talk about what's bothering him. It's progress.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Kate7:00 AM

    yeah, I know it's dangerous, John that's why I want to have a third person -- someone expendable or someone who isn't invested in anything more than a good time and who enjoys a good argument.

    lyvvie, I'm a hiding pansy too. I don't like yelling because my dad did it a lot and it seemed sort of useless and painful. On the other hand getting mad and then getting mad because you can't DO anything with the getting mad (because you're scared of what'll happen if you let loose) is even more useless and lasts a lot longer.

    Sam the wall works. You and Shirley Valentine. Maybe I ought to paint a big frowny face on one and try that method.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Anonymous9:10 AM

    Lyvvie said: Last time it happened I froze him out for 72 hours and only served him tea in the mug with the pig on it, and cooked dinners I know he hates. At least he eventually apologizes.

    *

    Brilliant.

    -Tracy MacNish

    ReplyDelete
  6. Selah March11:23 AM

    Or you could put his dinner on a plate, cover it with cling wrap and stick it in the fridge for later?

    Yeah, that doesn't solve the larger problem, I know. But as the wife of a man who's only on time for dinner when he's been in the house since lunchtime, this has been my long-term solution for going on twenty years.

    The anger thing? I suggest large, daily applications of intoxicating beverages, but I'm a lush from way back.

    ReplyDelete

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