whoa, dude

Way back in the dawn of time when I was 22, courting my husband-to-be, we got into an argument. I walked away from him into another room, but it was to stop myself, not show him I could leave him any old time. I left to calm down. It was the first time I'd done that with anyone and it was the right thing to do or I would have said something unforgivable. It became a pattern that works for us. Eventually we'll have a discussion but the immediate insult is swallowed.

I'd rather walk away for ten minutes, an hour -- some amount of time -- than let loose with an insult that might cause harm. Hey, sometimes when we fight we've shouted shut up or fuck you. Over twenty-something years, that's pretty good. Nothing horribly hurtful or directed at trying to destroy the other person. Even in heat, we tend to keep in mind that there is going to be life beyond this fight. No scorched earth policy.

Before that I would let it all hang out. I was young...IMMATURE. Plus I was with people who'd give it right back. My husband turns into a rock when it gets nasty. The eyes are open but there's no one available to take the message. A lot of people do that when faced with pure angry shit-talk.

I often see people who run their marital battles another way, who have knock-down fights and sling words. They have a system that works for them. I suppose they know the words aren't real or they understand that their partner's temper is in charge of the conversation. Spew first, think later is the way those people deal with their anger.

But listen. This isn't a system that works outside the boundaries of that carefully crafted set-up they've got with their spouses.

And holy shit, batman. There has to be limits to that kind of let-loose with the mouth sort of fighting even with your spouse, or you end up pathetic Jerry Springer material. Here's an example of what I mean, slightly altered:

At one point, the wife playfully twirled his hair and said, "You're getting a little thin up there."

The husband's face reddened, and he responded, "At least I don't plaster on the makeup like a trollop, you cunt." His excuse was that it had been a long day.

If this guy was my husband, I'd drag him straight into counseling if he said something like this to me. The huge over-response to a little playfulness on my part, the cutting insult--that would be enough for me to pick up the phone but . . . cunt? In front of other people? ESPECIALLY people with little notebooks in their hands? In. No. Way. Acceptable.

As it is, I don't plan on voting for the man.

Usually I don't use my personality standards for people running for office because that's how we end up with likable idiots in the white house. What I look for in a friend is entirely different than what I want in a preznit. But this personality tool doesn't seem irrelevant. The job is practically nothing but seriously important, tense relationships, and as Schecter points out, some seriously long days. I don't want a guy who's going to spew first and think later.

Tired and upset? Not an acceptable excuse. If I can go 25 plus years without insulting my husband like that in public or private, ever, I'd say it isn't a particularly difficult skill to grasp. Control. It's one of those things you get when you grow up. Or if you don't, you get counseling. If that doesn't work, you sure as hell don't get a job where people skills are important. And not a job where scorched earth anger might actually be dangerous.

Yes, yes, I know Schecter and I are lefties, but for once, I think it's not a matter of partisanship. I'd have a "whoa shit, dude" moment if someone wrote this about Barack.

Could something like this be a deal breaker for some voters? I don't know. People who cope with angry men usually find ways to excuse the anger. I imagine if you were devoted to his cause and campaign, you could make it an unimportant detail. If you're skilled campaigner, it might even be possible to put a loveable spin on it. Old codger.

But ugh. Cunt.