chapter three TUTGBBMCSMB

ta da!
The Unfeasibly Tall Greek Billionaire's Blackmailed Martyr-Complex Secretary Mistress Bride

You'll want to read chapter one and chapter two

Before you read my entry, a warning: I'm determined to win as many points as possible based on Tumperkin's system.

one point for every time:
- Molly indulges her martyr complex
- Nico mentions his belief that Molly's a whore
- Nico cuts Molly off mid-sentence
- You make a reference to the global hummus industry

ten points for every time you use one of the following phrases
- To her consternation, Molly's nipples hardened
- What was the point? Nico never believed her!
- He came, roaring his pleasure

Here are my instructions from the
Chapter three-t
he squicky first-sex chapter: be liberal with the cliches; should (if possible) include one of those weird internal hymens that romance heroines have.

You see? Not a lot of space for that plot schmlot stuff (I don't know how Carolyn Jean managed to squeeze in the plight of those orphans and that toothless customs guard. The woman has talent). As God is My Witness, I'm going to win that cheesy novel from Tumperkin.

Oh and I have had to edit. I thought I had everything but on rereading I see I'd forgotten "he gritted" and "he spat" so the piece wasn't up to my personal standards.

A hammering on the door made the panicked Molly run across the huge shower enclosure to turn off the water and hastily wrap herself in a towel.

The tall Greek billionaire filled the entrance to the bathroom.

To her consternation, Molly’s nipples hardened at the sight of his unfeasibly tall body, but the peaked points were not enough to hold up the towel and the terrycloth slipped off revealing her womanly curves. She gasped. “I told you that I needed a shower before I—“

“A fast shower. Miss Ordinary.” His dark eyes greedily feasted on her flustered attempts to cover her naked dripping body with her hands. “You’ve been in here for at least fifteen minutes. We have work ahead of us. The global hummus industry never rests.”

She hung her head in shame. He was right. She had wastefully used so many gallons of hot water—but only because she wanted to look her very best for their charade. What was the point of explaining? Nico never believed her!

“Mr. Lefkas. I’m sorry if—“

“Work,” he repeated in a gruff, throbbing voice, “But also some play, I think.”

He boldly stepped toward her. She suddenly recalled that she stood, naked, streaming with water. The heated desire in his dark eyes awakened her own inexplicable excitement she’d never felt before she’d touched what weren't bags of talcum powder in the limo. To her consternation, her nipples hardened again. She quickly bent to retrieve the towel but he was there first, snatching it away with a low chuckle.

“No need to hide your body made for pleasure,” he gritted out. “And you must know it, the way you dress and flaunt yourself at work.”

“I?” she cried, stung. But perhaps she had been trying too hard to appear feminine and she should return to wearing the high collared shirts she’d inherited from her grandmother. “I have always tried to look like a profession—“

“A professional yes, but in which field," he spat. "I’d say in one of the oldest professions and that is not the global hummus industry, my dear.” His harsh laughter filled her with chagrin. She felt guilty for acts she’d never even thought of committing. Oh, but his rumbling chuckle made her imagine so many unspeakable acts. To her consternation, her nipples hardened.

He towered over her. “I have seen other captains of the global hummus industry look at you with lust. How many of them have you had?” he growled.

“Never. I never—“ she whispered but at that instant his mouth swooped down, crushing her lips with cruel rapaciousness. She gave up telling him that she never had a man, had never known true desire until she worked for him. What was the point of telling him the truth? Nico never believed her!

He seized her with hands roughed by years of work in the global hummus industry. Nico had started at the bottom, she recalled as he kneaded the flesh of her bottom. He’d begun life as a garbanzo bean sorter before rising to his dizzying heights as a captain--nay, admiral--of the global hummus industry. He was ruthless and cruel and she was in his grips now, literally. To her consternation her nipples hardened as he rolled one nubbin, then the other, between thumb and forefinger, as if testing the quality of two satisfactory chickpeas.

He moved back to yank off his own clothes, buttons popping and pinging as they hit the polished marble floor. Within seconds he stood before her, naked and unfeasibly magnificent.

She gulped at the sight of his tall broad iron-hard masculinity. “Please,” she pleaded. “Be gentle with—“

“Touch me,” he grated.

She tentatively stroked the rock hard silky softness of his love rod.

“More,” he gasped.

She grasped his proud purple-helmeted love warrior and watched as roaring, he came, filling her hand with love-cream.

A moment later, he swept her up in his arms as if she weighed no more than one of the many sacks of chick peas he’d carried on his broad shoulders. He strode to the palatial bedroom with windows that opened onto sweeping vistas, breathtaking views of garbanzo trees, the heart of the global hummus industry.

Nico tossed her onto the round bed. “Look at me!” he barked. She could see him in the mirrored ceiling and in the mirror headboard that surrounded the bed. “Into my eyes,” he rasped.

She stared into the dark pools as between her legs, something hard, much harder and larger than bags of talcum powder, prodded at her moist love nest.

“You are so tight,” he panted as, inch by inch, he sheathed himself in her slick love chunnel. Then he encountered the barrier of her maidenhood. His eyes darkened. “You slut! You should have told me you were a virgin!”

“I tried, Nico, but you don’t—“

“And now. Now! It’s too late,” he snarled as he pushed home. Two hard thrusts later, the excruciating pain filling Molly's love sheathe dissolved into pleasure. She clung to him in rapturous ecstasy. The stars echoed in her heart and her head as he pumped and she banged against a mirror. She lay on broken glass and held him tight as, roaring, he came.

* * *

You'll find chapter four six at lisabea's (eventually) CORRECTION! Chapter four will be at Carrie's place.


  1. rats.
    I didn't manage any creamy she-flesh and now I have to do some real work.

  2. omg, omg! it just keeps getting more fun. I think you should get molto extra points for love rod, love nest, love chunnel. *snort*

  3. thanks but
    damn damn damn...I went over count but I forgot the tacky socks! Losing points for the socks is an honor.

  4. Oh, Kate, I think you wear the crown for this contest, or maybe the purple helmet. This was fabulous...unfeasibly magnificent!

    What a scene.

    How many captains of the global hummus industry are there? I love the twist of competitive captains in the heart of the global hummus industry. And you used all those phrases.

  5. Oh, also, I went over on my word count, too.
    Uh, my stomach hurts from laughing at your entry. I totally didn't think you'd use purple helmet.

  6. Awesome Kate! My favorite part is shirts from her grandmother. *snort* and "nay, admiral". And points for the punishing kiss!
    Good job!

  7. I have a terrible, unflattering snort I try not to use, but I snorted several times reading this. Very funny!

    “A professional yes, but in which field. I’d say in one of the oldest professions and that is not the global hummus industry, my dear.”


    To her consternation her nipples hardened as he rolled one nubbin, then the other, between thumb and forefinger, as if testing the quality of two satisfactory chickpeas.


    Bring on the fourth!

  8. as if testing the quality of two satisfactory chickpeas.

    Oh, GOD. Awesome.

  9. The whole starting life as a lowly chick pea sorter thing was priceless.
    Kate, you are truly an artiste!

  10. Oh, you are amazing. Well deserving of your self-pimpage at my place. And yes you deserve a separate shout out. But first I need to find a bruce willis foto.

  11. Hysterical - well done kate!!!!
    Er, Summer.

  12. “You slut! You should have told me you were a virgin!”

    How effing brilliant was this? bwaahahahhaaaaa.

  13. >>“You slut! You should have told me you were a virgin!”
    And Jaq beat me to it!

  14. Ow. Ow. It hurts. And I will never look at hummus the same way again...

  15. Sheer brilliance.

    You had me at, as if testing the quality of two satisfactory chickpeas.


  16. Anonymous9:27 PM

    My sides hurt from laughing. I DO NOT recommend reading all installments at once.

    She lay on broken glass and held him tight as, roaring, he came.


  17. I JUST got back from a weekend away - to THIS!!!

    Fantastic, Kate! I copied a bit to paste into my comment (satisfactory chickpeas) only to find SEVERAL people had already beaten me to it.

    I will do the official scoring later and post the verdict - can't wait for chapter 4!

  18. I make that 98.

    - 7 10-pointers
    - 17 1-pointers
    - minus 1 point for exceeding word allowance
    - 5 bonus points for the punishing kiss
    - 1 bonus point for use of "proud purple-helmeted love warrior"
    - 1 bonus point for the impossible hymen, and
    - 5 bonus points for this passage:

    "He towered over her. “I have seen other captains of the global hummus industry look at you with lust. How many of them have you had?” he growled."

    BECAUSE you managed to fit 3 elements into less than 30 words.

  19. Okay, In the comments to the post below I said I would PERSONALLY award Kate 10 of my points for using one of those insane phrases and she did! In fact, she used all three!

    So T, unless you call foul, I'm following through, and Kate has 108 and I have 107!


  20. I won't call foul. I'm just trying to keep quiet about my measly 58 points

  21. Kate that was fabulous! Everyone said all I had to say. I also liked how her erect nipples, no matter how consternated they may be, couldn't keep her towel up. Poor lass.

    You're awesome.

  22. [looking around from the podium, resisting urge to thank all the little people who made this possible]

    awww thanks guys. Especially thanks for cheating and giving me all those points, carolyn jean. I only wish I could write more chapters because that stuff just flows like hummus extruded out of those big machines at the health food store.

    Extruded/extrusion good words, I hope someone uses one in her chapter.

    Thank goodness we'll have more to read.

  23. "as if testing the quality of two satisfactory chickpeas."
    Thank you so much for that. I plan to use the chick pea analogy instead of "turgid buds" for the rest of my romance writing career!

  24. This chapter is the funniest one so far. I seriously couldn't stop laughing.

    But ummm, chickpeas are a legume. They don't grow on trees, they're little plants. And can Nico really be such a captain of the hummus industry when Greece isn't even one of the top ten world-wide producers of chickpeas? Hmmm. Maybe that's why he's insecure about her sleeping with other captains of the hummus industry?

  25. tsk, tsk, this is ROMANCELANDIA. We don't need no steenkin research, (except maybe when it comes to ferrets)

  26. and before there is any knicker knotting, that was a joke that only romance rioters are allowed to make about romances rioters. I happen to know we do swathes and acres of research.

    I love me some research.

  27. Love chunnel? Love rod?
    She wears her grandmother's shirts??!?

  28. Ah Kate,
    Just trying to protect you from the powers of Google and Wikipedia. Don't want you to be brought down by accuracy, you see. ;)

  29. I don't see how anyone can do better than this, but I'm certainly looking forward to seeing them try.

  30. Katrina8:32 AM

    "The global hummus industry never rests."


  31. Another impressive installment. Too funny!


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