shhh, it's okay
On Thanksgiving day I had to go buy last minute cheese. There I was standing in line at the Overpriced Fancy Grocery store, when a woman walked into the store. As she passed the flowers and the checkout line at least three other women in the line (they knew each other.) began to vent.
Omilordyinheaven, you'd have thought the newcomer had come in the store naked. Or maybe holding a bloodstained knife. No one over the age of ten should wear them was the nicest thing the group had to say. **
The woman walking past wore Crocs.
This isn't the first instance of Croc-hatred I've witnessed. I don't have a pair, but here's what I know about them. They're shoes. That's it, just shoes. But for people who care, they are a crime that should carry a large penalty. And those who insist on wearing them shall be cast out of society and scorned. Maybe be forced to sport a big lime green C on their chests?
I save my vitriol for important things, like the shoes at the bottom of the stairs when I trip over them. Or the dog when she loudly slurps her butt for more than five minutes. Or people who slag off on other people about goddamn clothes. What I'm saying is I'm not immune to UAS (useless anger syndrome).
But honestly, I do want to avoid causing others to have apoplectic fits and therefore don't want to wear dreadfully inappropriate items in public. I know I'm too old for jeans but tough, I'm not giving them up. And I know those thick fleece-lined suede boots are scorned but I'm not buying new boots until these wear out, which should be soon because they are cheap rip-offs and not real Uggs.
Anything else I should never be caught dead in? Low slung jeans were never part of my life so don't worry about that, fashionistas. I need to know what item of clothing causes you to grow faint with horror or loathing.
_____
**now that I've thought about it for more than five minutes, I recognize the intense croc-hatred had to be an aid for these women. I mean last-minute shopping on Thanksgiving? Tension, anyone? They needed a common enemy. This allowed them to relieve built-up tension with zaps of hatred aimed out instead of inside the family. That croc-wearing woman might have prevented a family feud that would have lasted generations.
When auntie Matilda spilled the gravy on the best tablecloth, again, because she was drunk, again, Mother didn't explode and throw the potatoes at her. She hefted the dish but then . . . "No! Honey! At least she doesn't wear crocs like that lady in Whole Foods," aunt Julia whispered.
Omilordyinheaven, you'd have thought the newcomer had come in the store naked. Or maybe holding a bloodstained knife. No one over the age of ten should wear them was the nicest thing the group had to say. **
The woman walking past wore Crocs.
This isn't the first instance of Croc-hatred I've witnessed. I don't have a pair, but here's what I know about them. They're shoes. That's it, just shoes. But for people who care, they are a crime that should carry a large penalty. And those who insist on wearing them shall be cast out of society and scorned. Maybe be forced to sport a big lime green C on their chests?
I save my vitriol for important things, like the shoes at the bottom of the stairs when I trip over them. Or the dog when she loudly slurps her butt for more than five minutes. Or people who slag off on other people about goddamn clothes. What I'm saying is I'm not immune to UAS (useless anger syndrome).
But honestly, I do want to avoid causing others to have apoplectic fits and therefore don't want to wear dreadfully inappropriate items in public. I know I'm too old for jeans but tough, I'm not giving them up. And I know those thick fleece-lined suede boots are scorned but I'm not buying new boots until these wear out, which should be soon because they are cheap rip-offs and not real Uggs.
Anything else I should never be caught dead in? Low slung jeans were never part of my life so don't worry about that, fashionistas. I need to know what item of clothing causes you to grow faint with horror or loathing.
_____
**now that I've thought about it for more than five minutes, I recognize the intense croc-hatred had to be an aid for these women. I mean last-minute shopping on Thanksgiving? Tension, anyone? They needed a common enemy. This allowed them to relieve built-up tension with zaps of hatred aimed out instead of inside the family. That croc-wearing woman might have prevented a family feud that would have lasted generations.
When auntie Matilda spilled the gravy on the best tablecloth, again, because she was drunk, again, Mother didn't explode and throw the potatoes at her. She hefted the dish but then . . . "No! Honey! At least she doesn't wear crocs like that lady in Whole Foods," aunt Julia whispered.
Velour.
ReplyDeleteuh oh. Guilty.
ReplyDelete(but it's so sofffft)
What are Crocs? Are they those plastic shoes that started out as garden clogs?
ReplyDeleteWhy do we always have to have some article of clothing that starts out as one thing and grows into a derided, overexposed fashion item? Big shoulder pads, peter pan collars... dare I mention legwarmers?
Spandex? Thank god that trend has faded. That stuff didn't look good on anybody except 19 year old girls, and even then only on those that employed a careful regimen of diet and exercise.
Ouch. I wore a velour skirt for Thanksgiving dinner. Thank goodness it's Germany where I'm excused from being clueless about fashion--they just put it down to me being American. :)
ReplyDeleteBTW, I dreamed about you last night--you're not really married to Giles, are you??
As a woman with larger-than-average feet (I'm not complaining, it goes with the modelesque height) I have an inborn aversion to any article of footwear that might make my feet look even bigger. So, no Crocs for me. Not now, not ever. Aside from my beloved flip-flops (O, flip-flops! I love you. I respect you. And I will never, ever call you "thongs.") I am generally against plastic footwear.
ReplyDeleteHOWEVER, Crocs are but a minor sin compared to the blasphemy that is/was UGGs in the "60 Degrees = freeeeeezing!" Southern California winter. If I never see another straw-haired, skinny blonde in a tank top, miniskirt, over-long scarf, and UGGs again, I will know I am dead and in Heaven, because this is Los Angeles, and that UGG shit (like the low-rise Juicy Couture velour track-suit) Just. Won't. Die.
> I know I'm too old for jeans
You are never too old for jeans. :o)
Happy Thanksgiving, Kate. Thanks for many, many hours of fabulous reading!
My husband and I bought MATCHING Pirates of the Caribbean Crocs. We were at Disney, we were very tipsy, we were without the kids (anniversary) and my feet were literally bleeding in my sneakers. Gosh darn it, those ugly things were fantastic. The looks we received in our very plush hotel? Priceless.
ReplyDeleteEr. *cough* I love Crocs.
ReplyDeletelast minute cheese
ReplyDeletePresumably this is the cheese that you buy just before the use by date expires - marked down heavily in price by the supermarket as a result.
The savings defeated by the amount of time you spend removing the "priced to clear" sticker before en-fridging it so that the family doesn't look at it and go "Ewww"!
I thought I was the ONLY Crocs hater on this planet. I want to find these women and join their club. I will go after the wearers with a vengence unseen, particularly the lime green. Uggs are second. I love Velour. Jean forever and hip huggers.
ReplyDeleteWhat's funny is I've been seeing Crocs all over, and I'm always like, whaaa? Like Dean, I always associated them with garden wear, or maybe those ocean shoes where you're afraid of sharp things and critters. I don't hate them, but frankly, I haven't yet registered them as a fashion item.
ReplyDeleteSome years back my friends and I used to have these semi-drunken clothes swap parties and we found it necessary to ban stirrup pants and skorts--everybody was trying to pawn them off on each other all the time. Now I'm thinking skorts aren't all that bad.
apropos of nothing . . .
ReplyDeleteCover art at my place!
Wait.
ReplyDeleteWAIT.
There's a cut-off age for JEANS??? What the hell am I supposed to wear instead?
You can have them when you rip them from my cold, dead hips.
There is no cut-off age for jeans. My grandfather's 96 & 3/4 and he still wears jeans. However, he wouldn't know what a croc was if it walked up and ate his toes.
ReplyDelete