It's much easier to write snark than moving, heartfelt stuff, ya know?
So today's snarky list is for the standard erotic romance. Yes, I've done a list like this before but I forgot a few elements. And I can only hope the boys are bored with the blog and won't read this entry.
I've read a lot of erotic romance for a contest lately (I KNOW, I know...I did swear off those babies, but this one is almost it, really) and so I'm writing this with some authority. The up-and-coming [snicker, she said coming] rioters prove I'm right--To Write this Erotic Stuff, there must to be at least six of these elements present:
1. Size matters--golly, yes it does. He must be the Very Largest, beyond her experience, and she must quake before the mighty maleness and wonder if it will fit.
2. There will be electrical charges between them when they first touch. Jolting. Surging. Zapping.
3. She will produce cream, or juice or slick feminine fluids and we will read about them. Sometimes the wetness'll be dribbling down the inside of her thighs because her juiciness is that awesome.
4. She will purr. Men don't, unless they're evil, wannabe rapists. (who also will laugh because there's nothing jollier than a rapist.)
5. Butt secks, especially if there's a threesome. I mean, yuh, duh. No one's going to wait his turn, right? And the threesome will be m/f/m. Always and always.
6. No mention of poo or poo smell. Ew. No santorum neither.
7. Oral sex isn't optional. No way they can escape it. She must marvel at his size and her power over this powerful man. No mention of aching jaws. He will love her flavor. LOVE IT. CRAVE IT. NEED IT.
8. She will be swallowing, of course.
9. Tasting themselves on each other's lips also mandatory.
10. Words that must appear: Hot, heat, slick, wet, moan, groan, pant, soft, hard, gasp, heat, heat, heat.
11. There will be a fabric mentioned whilst describing skin. Silk or satin or velvet....Not so much the brocade or woolies.
Oh, yes. Summer usually pays attention to the list, too. In her defense (and everyone else's) how many ways can you describe action without getting too abstract because abstract is so very out? And you don't wanna look too florid because florid is out too.
Uh oh. Look at the time! I have to go bug kids. Maybe I'll make this more original/interesting later, but I doubt it. We're out of dog food and some things are more vital than writing sex or rather mocking writing sex.