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Monday, March 10, 2008

SBD--erotic checklist

It's much easier to write snark than moving, heartfelt stuff, ya know?

So today's snarky list is for the standard erotic romance. Yes, I've done a list like this before but I forgot a few elements. And I can only hope the boys are bored with the blog and won't read this entry.

I've read a lot of erotic romance for a contest lately (I KNOW, I know...I did swear off those babies, but this one is almost it, really) and so I'm writing this with some authority. The up-and-coming [snicker, she said coming] rioters prove I'm right--
To Write this Erotic Stuff, there must to be at least six of these elements present:

1. Size matters--golly, yes it does. He must be the Very Largest, beyond her experience, and she must quake before the mighty maleness and wonder if it will fit.
2. There will be electrical charges between them when they first touch. Jolting. Surging. Zapping.
3. She will produce cream, or juice or slick feminine fluids and we will read about them. Sometimes the wetness'll be dribbling down the inside of her thighs because her juiciness is that awesome.
4. She will purr. Men don't, unless they're evil, wannabe rapists. (who also will laugh because there's nothing jollier than a rapist.)
5. Butt secks, especially if there's a threesome. I mean, yuh, duh. No one's going to wait his turn, right? And the threesome will be m/f/m. Always and always.
6. No mention of poo or poo smell. Ew. No santorum neither.
7. Oral sex isn't optional. No way they can escape it. She must marvel at his size and her power over this powerful man. No mention of aching jaws. He will love her flavor. LOVE IT. CRAVE IT. NEED IT.
8. She will be swallowing, of course.
9. Tasting themselves on each other's lips also mandatory.
10. Words that must appear: Hot, heat, slick, wet, moan, groan, pant, soft, hard, gasp, heat, heat, heat.
11. There will be a fabric mentioned whilst describing skin. Silk or satin or velvet....Not so much the brocade or woolies.

Oh, yes. Summer usually pays attention to the list, too. In her defense (and everyone else's) how many ways can you describe action without getting too abstract because abstract is so very out? And you don't wanna look too florid because florid is out too.

Uh oh. Look at the time! I have to go bug kids. Maybe I'll make this more original/interesting later, but I doubt it. We're out of dog food and some things are more vital than writing sex or rather mocking writing sex.

8 comments:

  1. Thank you for the list! I'm so guilty of and so tired of many of the items on it. I don't want to say "velvet" or "satin" skin any more. I don't want to talk about flavor tasting or use the host of words and expressions I've used so many times before. But let's face it, sex is the same friggin' act over and over. There's very little way to write it new and fresh, especially without getting too poetic. le sigh!

    I wish I could just write the story part of my stories, and the conversations, and someone else would take over in the bedroom scenes and make them all new and fresh and marvelous.

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  2. Yup - and they always taste of stuff like 'honey' and 'sweetness'. Rather than, say, fish. Or onions.

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  3. LOL - funny list. Love the size matters and the mandatory words and fabric comparing.

    How refreshing it would be if the heroine's eyes didn't bug out at the size of the hero, and if he slid his hands down her bristly shins.

    Might not go over with the readers though.

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  4. >>Not so much the brocade or woolies.

    LMFAO!!!!!!!

    BTW I am NOT guilty of 1, 2 or 3 WOOT! I may have to steal this. You are funny lady

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  5. OH dear. Brocade skin. That would by my heels come winter. Le NOT sexy.

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  6. Dammit, two more and you could have made this a Thirteen.

    So did I eff up by having no butt sechs? Or was the rim job close enough? Personally, I think a good rim job trumps butt sechs every time. More original.

    As for creamy discharge: you DO know they make a vaginal suppository for yeast infections, don't you? Just sayin'.

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  7. I love your list! I had a ick response to the "juciness" but I'll admit I like reading about woolly chested men. MMmmmmm....woolly.

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  8. Doug~ In my opinion, the rim job is a fine stand-in for the butt sechs, but only if you describe it as tasting "dark" and "secretive." I'm not sure, exactly, how "dark" and "secretive" taste, but it seems to be a theme.

    Kate~ I'll cop to using every word on that list at one point or another. I intend to keep on using them, too, but I promise to think of you every time. ;)

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