Love Woetry

Boy 1's English assignment: write a bad love poem.

This took him minutes and minutes to create, so be nice. I hope the formating on that second to last (my favorite) verse shoes up., shows up, too.

Happy Valentine's Day.

The Split Personality Sonnet

Oh most Beloved and Adored,
I hang upon your every word,
And when thine lips do part I listen,
As out from your mouth words do glisten

And as you rant and spew forth drivel,
I sit and sob and quickly shrivel,
For your harpy’s screech pierces my ears,
So I must down twelve cans of beers

And when your heavenly visage appears
Before my eyes I’m moved to tears
At your hygiene and your devotion
As deep and dark as the blue ocean

O the very thought of you
Makes the sky seem far less blue
You are ugly and stupid and cheap
You molded, putrid, rotting heap

Ah Cupid’s arrow hath struck home
The seeds of Love planted in my loam
I sit and wait beside my phone
To hear your beautiful dulcet tone

Sometimes I wish I’d killed myself
Rather than waste my mental health
On a beast as beastly as you
I long to start my life anew

Ah Blessed Gods on clouds above
Oh Aphrodite Goddess of love
I thank them on my bended knee
For their gift to me of thee

And when I think and dwell on Hell
My happy heart does beat and swell
As Hell doth mean our separation
I cannot wait for the occasion

Oh BeaVer moOse and pachYderM
Hinky dinky pinky Slurm
I’ll peEl bAnanAs with my fEet
AND then I’ll eat them QUick and NeaT

My name is Doctor Henry Douse
I’ve taken your lover to a nut house
Search for a new one beneath the moon

As this one’s crazy as a loon.


  1. Tracy MacNish9:30 AM

    I LOVE IT.

  2. Oh, this is fabulous! It's even better than the poetry of:

    "Dear Darla
    I hate your stinking guts.
    You make me vomit.
    You're scum between my toes.
    Love, Alfalfa."

    which is what my kids reminded me of today. Lovely, aren't they? :)

  3. Brilliant. Definitely brilliant.

  4. Oh, i laughed. That is awesome. :)

  5. OMG! This is the funniest freaking thing I ever read. Only after I read it did I go back and realize your offspring had written it. I was thinking where did this come from. TOTALLY BRILLIANT!!!

  6. Anonymous2:22 AM

    I stopped by from CD's site. This is a fun read.

  7. I'm not sure why, but the line, "I long to start my life anew" really made me laugh.

    Brilliant. Now go kill the boy's buzz by making him rewrite it in iambic pentameter.

  8. I think this is as much fun as my favorite sick poem as a child:

    Willie with a thirst for gore
    Nailed a baby to the floor
    Mother said with humor quaint,
    "Careful, Will, don't mar the paint."

    BTW, I tagged you for a meme.

    TTFN, Laurie Likes Books

  9. Boy 19:08 PM

    Why no love for Trochaic? Why is it always Iambic?


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