correspondence

One possible reason for editor cancellations at conferences. (I think I'll cross-post this bitchiness at MySpace. . .)

Dear Editor X,

Thank you for taking the time to read over my manuscript The Vampire Family. I know it's been several months since we met in New Jersey. You'd asked for a full and I wanted to take the time to make sure it was in the best shape possible before sending it on.

Thanks,
Writer A

what she didn't write: notice I spelled your name right? Most people don't since it's so ethnic and all. I want you to see that I'm a serious-ass writer because I double-checked your name and I go to conferences. On the other hand, I hope you've forgotten about the butter pat I dropped on your lap at lunch when I was leaning over you, trying to drag your attention away from that other writer so I could pitch to you. True, it wasn't a real pitch session. And I only had five pages done when I pitched it. See how fast I can pull these things out of my butt? Pretty damned impressive huh? Writer A

* * * * *

Dear Writer A,

Thank you for sending me your manuscript, The Vampire Flocks. I apologize for not getting back to you sooner, but we have experienced some major reconstruction in our office space and it was temporarily mislaid. While your voice is fresh and original, I can't see a place in our line-up for this manuscript. I do appreciate you thinking of us and wish you well in your career.

sincerely,
Editor X

Whoops. Last week I found your envelope propping up one side of my office mate's wobbly bookcase. When I take off too much time to party in the summer, the boring asshole at the next desk gets jealous and pulls shit like that. And I mean the time off was hardly worth it--what a waste of summer. I never even made it to goddamn East Rockaway much less Amagansett. What is the point of sucking up to people with beach houses if they never invite you?

Omigod. Your book. This is such trash, I had to go find my pal Trina in marketing and read the sex scene to her in a fake German accent. She laughed so hard she gagged and just about threw up.

Please, please, forget you've ever heard of me. And if I recognize you at a conference, and I see you coming, I'm ducking into the bathroom. Do not follow me. Hey, wait a sec--weren't you the old biddy who sprayed some kind of greasy crap on my blouse? Wish I could hit you up for the dry-cleaning bill. Editor X.

* * * * *

Dear Editor X,

Thank you for returning my story, The Vampire Family. I'm delighted that you enjoyed my voice. I've signed up for a ten minute meeting with you in New England for the We Love Romance Writers Conference and I can't wait to pitch my newest manuscript The Vampire Flock (I loved the name! So original, I had to actually use it.) Oh boy! I can't wait to meet with you again.

Thanks,
Writer A.

You fucker. Over one year you hold onto the manuscript and you send back a form letter? And you don't even bother to get the title right? Never mind. This'll give me a chance to show you how flexible and fun I am.

Okay, on the tenth read over of your letter, I see that it might be something more than a form so I will allow myself to hope again. And we both know you owe me for that wait. Guilt. You feel guilty, I bet. And enough time has passed so you've forgotten the butter incident.

I've shoved some changes into Vampire Family--I'm hoping you'll never know it's the same manuscript. I think making the heroine a werepanther instead of a werewolf was pure inspiration on my part. Oh, boy! I can't wait to meet you again. I plan on calling you by your first name now that we're friends. Writer A

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To The Organizers of the We Love Romance Writers Conference: Due to illness in her immediate family, Editor X will not be able to attend the conference. She sends her deepest regrets.