Better Luck Next Time -- I'm Too Good

Hooo--baby! I consider this a meme, started by this astoundingly narcissistic woman who was then mocked by this beautifully sarcastic one. I think we can and should all tell the world why we're Just Way Too Good for Average (Wo)Men. Sorry buddy, you just don't measure up to the Wonder that is Me.

1. My eyes. They're not just brown. They're pure unadulterated brown. A fluke of nature, but hey, Paris Hilton didn't earn her beauty either.

2. I can ride a bike. I'm talking about only two wheels and yet I don't fall off (or rarely, anyway) My ass isn't too large to fit on the saddle. Sadly many women today [at least 60%**] don't bother riding bikes. If you never mastered the art of staying upright on a bike, well, maybe you can console yourself by finding one of those loser women who also don't know how.

3. I don't want to have any more children. All those younger women have uteruses [uteri?]tick-ticking so loud you can't hear anything else in the room...they don't want to have fun with their men. They want babies. Now. I'm done with babies (I hope). Loads of fun and no more big bellies. I'm a better catch. Fer sure.

4. Like those other two women (Let's call them Bizarre and Funny, shall we?) I am not on welfare. Granted, I haven't made a living wage in years, but thanks to my sugar daddy, I'm not in debt, except for this mortgage thing. More than 83% of the women you'll meet are up to their armpits in debt, but I don't even owe a car payment. Beat that, skinny girls.

5. My interests tend to be more popular with humans rather than dogs. I like to talk about books, food, people, mortgages and my aches and pains. Except for the food part, you'll find that my interests more closely match human interests. I'm at least 74.5% more human than dog.

6. I know my own worth. And it's better than you'd imagine or than you deserve. Okay, so we had a little trouble with overdraft in the checking account last week. We only pay $5 per overdraft because we have a savings account. So we're down $10. No biggie.

7. I have a credit card in MY name only. I know where to swipe the little black strip. Nearly all Third World women [at least 93%] don't even know what an ATM machine is. They'd probably use their credit card to scrap their pots or something.


Beat that list, Jacqueline. Or may I call you Jackie? As for the rest of you -- Sorry. I'm just that much better. Yes, since you asked, it is a zero sum game. There is only so much Superiority out there. Certainly only so many prime women.
___________________________


** Jacqueline provided links for her stats. I would too, except I pulled them out of my derriere. Ah, and I know how to say many naughty and interesting phrases in other languages. More than you do, probably. And certainly more than 77% of American women except for the ones who speak other languages very fluently.

Comments

  1. OK Jackie -

    I've got dyed hair, which means I can have it any color I want - including green, and once it was pink (tho' not on purpose.)

    I have my own car too - even though half the time it's at the garage getting fixed.

    And I'm smart enough not to fall for the 'you have a virus, unplug your computer right away' joke. Huh. I simply deleted Outlook Express. Who needs e-mail?

    I speak three languages and can swear in three others. And I'm older than most women in the US so that makes me a survivor. My genes are strong.
    (And I'm sitting here giggling like an idiot. What a silly idea this is.)
    LOL

    ReplyDelete
  2. Anonymous3:55 PM

    I am so there. Why I'm too good for most women (and hey, men too, for that matter) -- yes! Especially considering I'm having a tough time today doing much else.

    But later. I want to go pick blackberries.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Damn, does just going to her blog make her some money? Lord thundering-geez-by that is one uppity woman. My favourite part was how she successly self employed. I guess high class hookers can put that on a resume ;)

    Uh, one question though. Someone said they were surprised that this chick thought she was educated with a bachelor's degree. I have an honour's degree (4yrs) but is that not considered educated enough nowadays?

    Hmmm, have to go and check ;)

    1. My claim to fame is that when I forgot to colour my dark brown eyebrows blonde I decided to just highlight them like the rest of my hair. I didn't take into account that the paste was pure bleach so I had zebra striped eyebrows.

    I laughed, woke up then next day and left the house without even thinking twice. That's how self secure I am.

    CindyS

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  4. You all are fucking geniuses.

    Some threads got all intellectual about it. I like this comment from world'o' crap (by MD who doesn't have a link so don't blame me)

    JMPP is what Kierkegaard called an “aesthete,” those who measure their worth and their happiness by factors outside their control and which can change in an instant, such as financial condition, age, health, mating partners, etc. SK judged such people to be in despair, and to exhibit symptoms of despair, just as JMPP has done with her fantastical construction of herself on her blog. JMPP doesn’t seek a relation with herself grounded in truth; she seeks a relation with herself grounded in the reflection of imaginary others out in cyberspace, whom she imagines inhabit the same despairing world as she.

    = neener neener, bitch

    ReplyDelete
  5. Anonymous10:01 AM

    Yes, I'll admit, I had to look up "Bildungsroman"... And here's what I found: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bildungsroman. A bildungsroman "is a novel which traces the spiritual, moral, psychological, or social development and growth of the main character from (usually) childhood to maturity."

    Does this mean I'm smarter than 86.9% of people who use pretentious words to make themselves seem more intelligent?

    Perhaps I've joined the 99.3% of folks who can tell the difference between a blog and a novel?

    ReplyDelete
  6. I can believe this woman because I know others like her exist. One just left the place where I work (yeah!.

    1) I'm overweight, have short hair with gray/white in it.

    2) I've never been to college.

    3) And my s**t does stink, just like Ms. Pris-whatever-her-name-is. She just needs to stop and smell it.

    I wonder if the boyfriend dumped her. If he did, good for him.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Anonymous12:04 PM

    Amelia asked for back-up. Here goes:

    Yes, Amelia, JMPP so does not do it for me. You, on the other hand . . .

    (1) Don't write off toenails so soon. Sometimes a guy wants to pick his teeth when he's down there.

    (2) Yes, you are gorgeous. That photo proves it. I also like the fact that I can pronounce your name without having to take a breath, unlike JMPP.

    (3) This speaks wonders to your present motivational state. If I were in the running (sadly, my wife hasn't gotten up to speed on the polygamy thing), I'd be emailing you privately right now with all my extensive qualifications.

    (4)I could only ever love a woman who loves scales.

    (5)The one-hand thing is a plus, too. Hands are important. They come in handy.

    (6)With qualification #6, most guys would tell you to hell with the rest. I imagine that JMPP's idea of giving head involves a guillotine, but I'm just guessing here.

    (7)While they are the lowest form of humor, puns do demonstrate the absence of brain death. As you can see from my point (5), I too am not brain dead.

    Kate, I love the Kierkegaard quote. The man knew this woman.

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  8. Cannot believe os many readers did not get the humour in your sracasm. Enjoyed it.
    City Slicker

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  9. Seeking British citizen with nobility title, a castle and a house in Scotland, several millions on the bank, handsome, educated, bi- or multilingual (French would be nice), who has several horses, loves opera, reading and traveling the world.

    I can offer: love of opera, books and travel, fluent in three languages, MA degree, only a few kilos too much, I don't look 44, and wile I don't have any money, I promise you not to waste yours. I will wear all the shoes I'm going to buy.

    Any takers?

    ReplyDelete
  10. Oh, and I make some mean Bratkartoffeln. Now, if that won't attract a lord who's grown up on blood pudding and haggis ....

    ReplyDelete
  11. Anonymous7:25 PM

    only a few kilos too much

    Gabriele, I've seen your pictures. You're right on target and don't let anyone tell you different.

    I want that Bratkartoffeln recipe. I don't know what it is, but it sounds like bratwurst and potatoes, so I'm there, baby.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Well, I suppose there is something to be said for having a healthy self-esteem.

    Who the hell is that woman looking for? A door mat with a money clip?

    Hey... maybe she's on to something there. Alas, I am too overweight, old and very married. Not to mention in debt. And I really don't want to have to train a new man. They're so much work! ;)

    Poor pitiful, me. I suppose I shall just hang my head in shame.

    And yes, Amelia is gorgeous, talented & funny. She makes me nauseous. P~~~~~~~~`

    ReplyDelete
  13. Anonymous11:21 AM

    You know what is great about JMPP's post?? All the witty returns.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Jane, I spent an hour watching the trainwreck last night. That's not the way to become a successful writer who can go after that lord. :)

    ReplyDelete
  15. Anonymous1:30 PM

    Gabriele - I am still reading them. The ones at The Awful Forums and Vox Day are hilarious. Here's one that I laughed out loud when I read it:

    Her marriage was like Thunderdome in reverse - One man enters, two men leave...

    What's worse is that her friends keep posting worse and worse pictures of her in her defense. It's almost making me feel sorry for her. ALMOST.

    I figure that a woman needs only one qualification to nab herself a high quality guy: She'll give head while allowing the man to watch sportscenter.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Toooo freakin' funny...and SAD. I know a man who wanted a woman like that. He's in the pen now for sex crimes she helped him commit (and the judge totally dismissed the same charges on her), his daughter is promiscuous and drinking, and he sits lamenting the fact that he lost his family.

    Loud enough wake up call, anyone who still believes Barbie & Skipper make perfect mates?

    ReplyDelete
  17. Fine, that's what I needed. More links. :)

    Hey, I entered PBW's e-book challenge, I should be writing.

    But that sort of trainwreck is so much fun to read. I remember last year I spent way too much time reading up on the RWA and Rita fisaco despite the fact I don't write romance, are not in the US, and could care less if some inspies are pissed at some erotic writers at some conference I won't attend. :)

    ReplyDelete
  18. Anonymous3:45 PM

    That was hysterical. I've posted it to my Livejournal.

    ReplyDelete
  19. Anonymous4:56 PM

    Actually, I'm an even bigger dork. I posted it my high-quality list on Craigslist. Because I'm such a high-quality attention whore.

    (Hey, I helped Googlebomb Bill Napoli--now I want to see if I ever make it in the ranks of the Craigslist "Best Of.")

    ReplyDelete
  20. Anonymous11:44 AM

    OMG...I needed this laugh this morning! And I'll admit something. When I first read whatsername's post, I felt a little inferior. I mean, I didn't go to college. I'm not young anymore. My IQ was never tested. And I've never posted my picture to a Hot or Not site. How could I compete?

    Then I remembered something. I'm happily married. Have been for 12 years. To a man who adores me. That right there makes me more desirable than her. BWAHAHAHA!

    Sadly, I'm still not as hot as Amelia.

    ReplyDelete
  21. Whew!

    /me wipes sweating brow

    For a few seconds there, I thought the Jacqueline in question was me, except I couldn't figure out how what you wrote responded to anything I've ever written.

    You can see I am clearly as narcissistic and self-centered as the other Jacqueline.

    /slinks off humming You're So Vain

    ReplyDelete

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