Better Luck Next Time -- I'm Too Good
Hooo--baby! I consider this a meme, started by this astoundingly narcissistic woman who was then mocked by this beautifully sarcastic one. I think we can and should all tell the world why we're Just Way Too Good for Average (Wo)Men. Sorry buddy, you just don't measure up to the Wonder that is Me.
1. My eyes. They're not just brown. They're pure unadulterated brown. A fluke of nature, but hey, Paris Hilton didn't earn her beauty either.
2. I can ride a bike. I'm talking about only two wheels and yet I don't fall off (or rarely, anyway) My ass isn't too large to fit on the saddle. Sadly many women today [at least 60%**] don't bother riding bikes. If you never mastered the art of staying upright on a bike, well, maybe you can console yourself by finding one of those loser women who also don't know how.
3. I don't want to have any more children. All those younger women have uteruses [uteri?]tick-ticking so loud you can't hear anything else in the room...they don't want to have fun with their men. They want babies. Now. I'm done with babies (I hope). Loads of fun and no more big bellies. I'm a better catch. Fer sure.
4. Like those other two women (Let's call them Bizarre and Funny, shall we?) I am not on welfare. Granted, I haven't made a living wage in years, but thanks to my sugar daddy, I'm not in debt, except for this mortgage thing. More than 83% of the women you'll meet are up to their armpits in debt, but I don't even owe a car payment. Beat that, skinny girls.
5. My interests tend to be more popular with humans rather than dogs. I like to talk about books, food, people, mortgages and my aches and pains. Except for the food part, you'll find that my interests more closely match human interests. I'm at least 74.5% more human than dog.
6. I know my own worth. And it's better than you'd imagine or than you deserve. Okay, so we had a little trouble with overdraft in the checking account last week. We only pay $5 per overdraft because we have a savings account. So we're down $10. No biggie.
7. I have a credit card in MY name only. I know where to swipe the little black strip. Nearly all Third World women [at least 93%] don't even know what an ATM machine is. They'd probably use their credit card to scrap their pots or something.
Beat that list, Jacqueline. Or may I call you Jackie? As for the rest of you -- Sorry. I'm just that much better. Yes, since you asked, it is a zero sum game. There is only so much Superiority out there. Certainly only so many prime women.
___________________________
** Jacqueline provided links for her stats. I would too, except I pulled them out of my derriere. Ah, and I know how to say many naughty and interesting phrases in other languages. More than you do, probably. And certainly more than 77% of American women except for the ones who speak other languages very fluently.
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30 comments:
Holy crap! I tell you, there are days when I really wonder about the state of the world.
And now, I'm off to mock her and swipe this idea for my own blog!
OK Jackie -
I've got dyed hair, which means I can have it any color I want - including green, and once it was pink (tho' not on purpose.)
I have my own car too - even though half the time it's at the garage getting fixed.
And I'm smart enough not to fall for the 'you have a virus, unplug your computer right away' joke. Huh. I simply deleted Outlook Express. Who needs e-mail?
I speak three languages and can swear in three others. And I'm older than most women in the US so that makes me a survivor. My genes are strong.
(And I'm sitting here giggling like an idiot. What a silly idea this is.)
LOL
I am so there. Why I'm too good for most women (and hey, men too, for that matter) -- yes! Especially considering I'm having a tough time today doing much else.
But later. I want to go pick blackberries.
I realize that some of you will find this post depressing because you’ll realize that you don’t qualify as a high quality man and thus won’t be able to get a high quality woman. You have a few options:
Lower your standards and stop pursuing women who are out of your league. There are lots of fat single mothers out there who can’t find dates either.
Look in the developing world. If you’re literate with a home computer and an internet connection you are very wealthy compared to the rest of the world. Citizenship or legal permanent residency in a rich country makes you more attractive to women in poorer countries. Your value on the dating market is thus much higher there.
Self-improvement! I used to be a fat unattractive college dropout who couldn’t get her life together. Now I’m thin, attractive, and successfully self-employed after graduating. You can make yourself over into a higher-quality man capable of winning a higher-quality woman too.
Holy.
Fucking.
Fuck.
Jesus-god. This woman! If I was a high-quality man (back me up here, Doug), I'd totally toss this arrogant chick back in the pond. The mossy end, where it'd mess up her hair. Damn, y'all. Just... wow.
(still spluttering incoherently as I reread the madness that is this blog post!*
(Okay, I've got my list now. Heh. Heheheheheheheheh.)
1) I have no toenails, unlike 99.873% of American women. This makes me clearly superior, especially should any High-Quality Man desiring a relationship with me have a toe-sucking fetish. 87% of all disgusting diarrhea-causing germs located on the feet are caught beneath the toenails. Therefore, my lack of toenails makes sucking my toes 94% more sanitary than sucking the toes of other women.
2) I'm gorgeous. I know what you're thinking--she's probably no better looking than Jacqueline Mackie Paisley Passey. Well, that's where you're wrong. I'm stunning. I can stop traffic, especially when the lights turn red. Yep, I'm just an all-around beautiful babe, and in a head-to-head competition with Jacqueline Mackie Paisley Passey, at least 68.4% of men would rather bang me than her.
3) I write erotic romance. I've been out of a relationship for several years. 'Nuff said.
4) I am kind to small furry animals of all types, but what makes me a High-Quality Woman is that I am also kind to scaly and feathered creatures, too. 44% of women would run screaming at the sight of a grass-snake. I am one of only 2% who would pick it up, show it to her kids, and coo, "Aww, aren't you adorable?" This willingness to pet snakes makes me much more attractive to men.
5) As evidenced here, I can count to five, and I only use one hand to do so. This skill makes me greatly superior to deformed mutants with only four fingers on each hand, as well as deformed mutants with 6 or more fingers on each hand. (While the subtraction of 2 toes does slightly lower my super-cleanliness-advantage in the toe-sucking category, this anomaly is balanced by the higher ick factor of 6-or-greater toed women.)
6) I've been told I give terrific head. Alas, the High-Quality Men who have been honored to experience my outstanding skills have been too blown-away to quote how statistically superior I am to all their previous girlfriends.
7) As shown in the previous post, I am skilled at making innuendos, and I also use puns regularly. The ability to pun is a positive sign of an IQ well over 352.
But loser men, do not despair. If I am out of your league (and let's face it, with skills like mine, I just about have to be, don't I?) there are some steps you can take.
1) Get rich and offer to buy me lots of expensive swag. If you are hideously butt-fugly, a diamond-studded blindfold to wear during sex is a good place to start.
2) Become famous. Take up an occupation where I will be frequently photographed on your arm. The media exposure will allow me to launch my own career after I dump your ass, because your fame is 65% more likely to crash harder than Tom Cruise due to your hideous butt-fugliness.
3) Kill yourself and hope to be reincarnated with a sexier face and a hotter body. By the time you reach the age of 18, I'll be looking for a boy-toy to entertain me in my old age.
Oh yeah? Well get a load of me:
1. I'm broke, overweight, have several grey hairs, and live like a slob.
2...
Actually, I do believe the sound you hear is every living male from 9-99 running screaming from their computers after reading #1. #2 is unnecessary. A job well done for surely no man reading this could meet my unrealistically excessive high standards. Why, he'd have to be breathing, male, and well, all sorts of difficult-to-achieve things. FORGET IT GUYS! I'M WAAAY TOO GOOD FOR YOU! So there.
-- Guanna
Damn, does just going to her blog make her some money? Lord thundering-geez-by that is one uppity woman. My favourite part was how she successly self employed. I guess high class hookers can put that on a resume ;)
Uh, one question though. Someone said they were surprised that this chick thought she was educated with a bachelor's degree. I have an honour's degree (4yrs) but is that not considered educated enough nowadays?
Hmmm, have to go and check ;)
1. My claim to fame is that when I forgot to colour my dark brown eyebrows blonde I decided to just highlight them like the rest of my hair. I didn't take into account that the paste was pure bleach so I had zebra striped eyebrows.
I laughed, woke up then next day and left the house without even thinking twice. That's how self secure I am.
CindyS
You all are fucking geniuses.
Some threads got all intellectual about it. I like this comment from world'o' crap (by MD who doesn't have a link so don't blame me)
JMPP is what Kierkegaard called an “aesthete,” those who measure their worth and their happiness by factors outside their control and which can change in an instant, such as financial condition, age, health, mating partners, etc. SK judged such people to be in despair, and to exhibit symptoms of despair, just as JMPP has done with her fantastical construction of herself on her blog. JMPP doesn’t seek a relation with herself grounded in truth; she seeks a relation with herself grounded in the reflection of imaginary others out in cyberspace, whom she imagines inhabit the same despairing world as she.
= neener neener, bitch
Yes, I'll admit, I had to look up "Bildungsroman"... And here's what I found: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bildungsroman. A bildungsroman "is a novel which traces the spiritual, moral, psychological, or social development and growth of the main character from (usually) childhood to maturity."
Does this mean I'm smarter than 86.9% of people who use pretentious words to make themselves seem more intelligent?
Perhaps I've joined the 99.3% of folks who can tell the difference between a blog and a novel?
I can believe this woman because I know others like her exist. One just left the place where I work (yeah!.
1) I'm overweight, have short hair with gray/white in it.
2) I've never been to college.
3) And my s**t does stink, just like Ms. Pris-whatever-her-name-is. She just needs to stop and smell it.
I wonder if the boyfriend dumped her. If he did, good for him.
Amelia asked for back-up. Here goes:
Yes, Amelia, JMPP so does not do it for me. You, on the other hand . . .
(1) Don't write off toenails so soon. Sometimes a guy wants to pick his teeth when he's down there.
(2) Yes, you are gorgeous. That photo proves it. I also like the fact that I can pronounce your name without having to take a breath, unlike JMPP.
(3) This speaks wonders to your present motivational state. If I were in the running (sadly, my wife hasn't gotten up to speed on the polygamy thing), I'd be emailing you privately right now with all my extensive qualifications.
(4)I could only ever love a woman who loves scales.
(5)The one-hand thing is a plus, too. Hands are important. They come in handy.
(6)With qualification #6, most guys would tell you to hell with the rest. I imagine that JMPP's idea of giving head involves a guillotine, but I'm just guessing here.
(7)While they are the lowest form of humor, puns do demonstrate the absence of brain death. As you can see from my point (5), I too am not brain dead.
Kate, I love the Kierkegaard quote. The man knew this woman.
Cannot believe os many readers did not get the humour in your sracasm. Enjoyed it.
City Slicker
Alas, Doug, you've really gotta work on the missus about that poly thing. I mean, think of all the lovin' you're both missing out on! You can tell her I've seen both her pussies on your blog, and I'd be thrilled to pet 'em anytime.
Seeking British citizen with nobility title, a castle and a house in Scotland, several millions on the bank, handsome, educated, bi- or multilingual (French would be nice), who has several horses, loves opera, reading and traveling the world.
I can offer: love of opera, books and travel, fluent in three languages, MA degree, only a few kilos too much, I don't look 44, and wile I don't have any money, I promise you not to waste yours. I will wear all the shoes I'm going to buy.
Any takers?
Oh, and I make some mean Bratkartoffeln. Now, if that won't attract a lord who's grown up on blood pudding and haggis ....
only a few kilos too much
Gabriele, I've seen your pictures. You're right on target and don't let anyone tell you different.
I want that Bratkartoffeln recipe. I don't know what it is, but it sounds like bratwurst and potatoes, so I'm there, baby.
Ooh, brats and potatoes! Throw in some sauerkraut and you've got me hooked too, babe. Mmmmm!
(Which could be why I could stand to lose a bit too. Oh well, I'm still High-Quality, BITCHES. HAHAHA!)
And I just ran across this priceless comment on JMPP's blog:
"You do realize that 46.53% of the men in your top 99.34253% will read this blog entry and decrease you chances of dating them by 67.231435%."
ROTFL!
Well, I suppose there is something to be said for having a healthy self-esteem.
Who the hell is that woman looking for? A door mat with a money clip?
Hey... maybe she's on to something there. Alas, I am too overweight, old and very married. Not to mention in debt. And I really don't want to have to train a new man. They're so much work! ;)
Poor pitiful, me. I suppose I shall just hang my head in shame.
And yes, Amelia is gorgeous, talented & funny. She makes me nauseous. P~~~~~~~~`
You know what is great about JMPP's post?? All the witty returns.
Oooh, oooh, ooh, can I play on my blog, too?!
Excellent post!
Jane, I spent an hour watching the trainwreck last night. That's not the way to become a successful writer who can go after that lord. :)
Gabriele - I am still reading them. The ones at The Awful Forums and Vox Day are hilarious. Here's one that I laughed out loud when I read it:
Her marriage was like Thunderdome in reverse - One man enters, two men leave...
What's worse is that her friends keep posting worse and worse pictures of her in her defense. It's almost making me feel sorry for her. ALMOST.
I figure that a woman needs only one qualification to nab herself a high quality guy: She'll give head while allowing the man to watch sportscenter.
Toooo freakin' funny...and SAD. I know a man who wanted a woman like that. He's in the pen now for sex crimes she helped him commit (and the judge totally dismissed the same charges on her), his daughter is promiscuous and drinking, and he sits lamenting the fact that he lost his family.
Loud enough wake up call, anyone who still believes Barbie & Skipper make perfect mates?
Fine, that's what I needed. More links. :)
Hey, I entered PBW's e-book challenge, I should be writing.
But that sort of trainwreck is so much fun to read. I remember last year I spent way too much time reading up on the RWA and Rita fisaco despite the fact I don't write romance, are not in the US, and could care less if some inspies are pissed at some erotic writers at some conference I won't attend. :)
That was hysterical. I've posted it to my Livejournal.
Actually, I'm an even bigger dork. I posted it my high-quality list on Craigslist. Because I'm such a high-quality attention whore.
(Hey, I helped Googlebomb Bill Napoli--now I want to see if I ever make it in the ranks of the Craigslist "Best Of.")
LMAO!!! I tagged you for Best Of. And now I have something new to add to my list of why I'm so utterly bitchin-rockin-awesome. I have full, gorgeous C breasts that pass the pencil test with ease.
(Damn, I'm loving this. Just think of all the time I wasted thinking of how to improve MYSELF, when I could've just been listing how utterly astounding I am instead!)
... um. Alas, I think I'm actually one of those fat (well, okay, not all that fat) single mothers who can't get a date. Maybe I should post my picture on a Russian Brides website? Then when I get a groom, it could be all surprising and stuff. "Whoops, you thought you were going to get an utterly dependant, non-English-speaking, shy, demure, and compliant wife-slave? Um, sorry, I just don't think so. Now pick up your goddam socks and put out that cigar, and don't forget to vacuum before dinner. Which you'll be taking me out for, correct?"
Heh heh.
OMG...I needed this laugh this morning! And I'll admit something. When I first read whatsername's post, I felt a little inferior. I mean, I didn't go to college. I'm not young anymore. My IQ was never tested. And I've never posted my picture to a Hot or Not site. How could I compete?
Then I remembered something. I'm happily married. Have been for 12 years. To a man who adores me. That right there makes me more desirable than her. BWAHAHAHA!
Sadly, I'm still not as hot as Amelia.
Whew!
/me wipes sweating brow
For a few seconds there, I thought the Jacqueline in question was me, except I couldn't figure out how what you wrote responded to anything I've ever written.
You can see I am clearly as narcissistic and self-centered as the other Jacqueline.
/slinks off humming You're So Vain
I can add to my list of Why I'm Better Than Most Everyone. I am a Titled Peer. I am Lady Amelia of Sealand!
(Just forget for a moment that Sealand is an oil derrick claimed and run by a lunatic. It's still something Jackie Passel Pooter Tackle (or whatever the flock her name is) doesn't have, so NEENER.)
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