boyz at work
step one: stand on either side me and take turns intoning in deep impressive television announcer voices
boy 1: Kate Rothwell, her mother was a block of cheese
boy 2: Kate Rothwell, she is terrified of mimes
boy 1: Kate Rothwell, her left eye is a raisin painted to look like a right eye.
boy 2: Kate Rothwell, she believes babies come from a mine in Albuquerque
boy 1: Kate Rothwell, she is terrified of Albuquerque.
boy 2: Kate Rothwell, she is about to beat her children senseless.
boy 1: Kate Rothwell, she didn't know the carrot held a bomb.
boy 2: Kate Rothwell, she ate nothing but mummified pencil shavings.
me: Kate Rothwell, she's now going to hide in the bathroom. With the door locked.
step two: move on to their next victim. Their father.
step three: give it up only after they're threatened with no Friendly's Fenway Fudge ice cream if they don't shut the #(*@@# up.
boy 1: Kate Rothwell, her mother was a block of cheese
boy 2: Kate Rothwell, she is terrified of mimes
boy 1: Kate Rothwell, her left eye is a raisin painted to look like a right eye.
boy 2: Kate Rothwell, she believes babies come from a mine in Albuquerque
boy 1: Kate Rothwell, she is terrified of Albuquerque.
boy 2: Kate Rothwell, she is about to beat her children senseless.
boy 1: Kate Rothwell, she didn't know the carrot held a bomb.
boy 2: Kate Rothwell, she ate nothing but mummified pencil shavings.
me: Kate Rothwell, she's now going to hide in the bathroom. With the door locked.
step two: move on to their next victim. Their father.
step three: give it up only after they're threatened with no Friendly's Fenway Fudge ice cream if they don't shut the #(*@@# up.
boy 2: Kate Rothwell, she is about to beat her children senseless.
ReplyDeleteI see Boy 2 has the greater degree of empathy :)
Well that was pretty damn funny.
ReplyDeleteI wish my irritating kids were that amusing.
One thing I just thought you should know -
ReplyDeletethey do Not grow out of this.
Can I be their Aunt Beth? SERIOUSLY. And IMMEDIATELY. Jaysus fookin christ, I LOVE these kids.
ReplyDeleteI wish my irritating kids were that amusing. I was totally thinking the same thing.
ReplyDeleteSo then - mimes in Albequerque would send you to the psyche ward??
Oh my god.
ReplyDeleteYou know that humor indicates intelligence, right?
Judging by my laughter, your boys are really smart. Of course, that doesn't always occur to you when you're considering beating them senseless.
If Beth gets to be an aunt, then I want to be one too. Puweeeese??
We're at the point that I've started numbering the fights.
ReplyDeleteOK, boys and girls, I've heard this one before, and I'm not interested in referreeing it again. Let's just cut to the chase.
He touched me during dinner: Number 43
She touched my toy/book/food/thing/project: Number 68
She won't tstop singing (the youngest always starts this one): Number 4
It kind of works. They fight, I choose the numbers (randomly) Since there are three kids, there's usually one who's not fighting. When that one walks into the room and calls out, "Number 4!" most everybody cracks up laughing.
OK, typing that whole thing out, I'm struck by how very weird it is. But somehow we all think it's funny. But maybe it isn't. Paranoia and self-doubt do not assist comedy much. But certainly it's true that kids, more than one, are annoying. And funny
LOL! And I thought my children were odd! (GGG)
ReplyDeleteUm, okay, they still are...they just use different methods. ;)
boy two says: THEY thought it was funny, why don't you, mom?
ReplyDeleteme: I thought it was funny the first fifty times. After that it was excruciating.
boy two: well exxxxxcusssseeee meeeee princess.
me:
boy two: I'm sooooo sorry I hurt your fragile little psyche.
me: um
boy two: I'll just let the mimes do it.
me:
boy two: and you lied about the Fenway Fudge thing. We did it on Tom not Dad. You sit on a throne of lies.
die
die
die
me: okay, enough. Go get ready for bed.
boy 1: Dad just threatened us with physical violence. Nothing about dessert.
ReplyDeleteMan, I love your boys.
ReplyDeleteYou sit on a throne of LIES!
ReplyDeleteI am totally using that one. Preferably in my next executive staff meeting.
You all LIKE these kids? Jeez, they sound like real pains. That boy 2, he's not clever, just obnoxious. Please, people, don't condone their behavior like that.
ReplyDeleteHOLD on a SEC, Santa! I'm allowed to say that. In fact, I supposed I'm required to say it. But Santa?
ReplyDeleteClearly you're not a parent or you'd know the number one rule:
1. Parents complain about their kids.
2. Parents rip to shreds anyone who complain about their (the parents') kids.
You leave them a lump of coal and that's it. You'll be off MY list. No more carrots for the reindeers, and I'll make sure your cookies are loaded with transfatty acids or whatever that stuff isi called.
Plus I should point out that these are adolescents. It could be worse. I suppose. Yes, definitely.
OooooOOOOoo I wish you did have kids, SC, and futhermore I wish you had a blog so I can go find out what happens when your dears reach a certain age (after two for some kids, after 13 for others).
ReplyDeleteI won't be snotty, self-righteous or pitying, really, I promise.
last comment...
ReplyDeleteit does help that the boys do much of this in a fake Tim Curry accent. One can get away with a lot when you adopt a really bad imitation of a British accent.
oh GOD, Santa is RIGHT THEY ARE OBNOXIOUS. GOD!!! I HATE THEM!
ReplyDeleteYes, boy 2! ALSO KNOWN AS SANTA CLAUS! Fooled kate so well. You should have seen her rant and rave about it. And then we told her. We are not getting anything for our birthdays. Or Christmas. Or Kwanzaa. It was so worth it. Thank you all very very much.
ReplyDeleteThis just adds to the list of reasons that I thank the good Lord that we only have one boy. . .
ReplyDeleteBut it's funny as heck when it's happening to someone else! lol
~Goo
"We are not getting anything for our birthdays. Or Christmas. Or Kwanzaa."
ReplyDeleteThose boys have a future, I tell you.
I mean, if they survive the beatings they're sure to endure for all that witty sassing.
And the swelled heads from those of us who are cracking up out here.
Lmao- you're one funny lady. And boy is that a good selling point on having only one kid!
ReplyDelete