When life hands you lemons, sue life's ass, or beg. Or something

Okay let's say no one's buying your books.** How can you make this into a unique selling opportunity?

--Emphasize the exclusive nature of this book. It's a small club! It's a chance to discover virgin territory! Be one of the few, the proud, the readers of this book.

--Talk about the rocketing growth of future sales. So in the first month two people bought your book. Next month, make sure you've bullied at least four people into buying. Buy the damn thing yourself if you have to. Your campaign for that month is all about how "my book is taking off!" and "Word of mouth -- means twice the sales!"

--Try for the pathetic. Here's your patter: "My dog needs eye surgery and I can't afford it. Hey, you, passing by. Stop and pay attention to wretched me. I want you to pretend that I'm sitting on a street corner with a tin full of change and some really old apples on a tray in front of me. I'm dressed in filthy rags and my hair is a mess. Only instead of the tin of change, it's a pay-pal account. And instead of old apples, it's this book I wrote. And instead of filthy rages I'm in sweatpants and a fleece that says I WRITE SMUT. The thing about the hair is true in real life, by the way."

--Lie your ass off. "EVERYONE LOVES THIS BOOK! Here, read these fabulous reviews I wrote and had a friend sign/I paid good money for. " The only people who really know your sales are pathetic are you and your publisher. And neither of you want to look like looozers so hey. Why not!

--Threaten them. You could try the "if you don't buy this book I AM NEVER WRITING ANOTHER WORD" but I do not recommend this. I'm certain that if you aren't lying about that threat, you'll end up NEVER WRITING ANOTHER WORD. Maybe you should go for another sort of threat. Hey, they have a career too. You could visit their blog/webpage "Nice place you got here. I'd hate to see anything happen to its code." Right. This one might need some work.

--Talk about books you love and maybe other authors will do the same. Actually this one might really work. Useful advice? I'm slipping. But I can put a bad spin on it, don't worry. Because when A writes a glowing review of B's book and then B writes a review of A's book ... well it doesn't look quite right. Even if it is utterly true and you do love each other's work. Life is frustrating like that.

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** No one's buying your books. (In particular no one's buying Powder of Love. You two--you're off the hook--every meaning of the phrase. Everyone else? You're all assholes***.)

*** This is another option for promo. Insult the people you want to read your book. They'll be outraged, write about what an ass YOU are and VOILA! Your name is all over the internet.