Top Vac

In a house full of males (four of them), I spend some time trying to lure them into some appreciation of housework. Since I'm uninspired by the work myself, I'm no great shakes at getting them to help without boatloads of whining on all of our parts. But as I vacuumed just now, I realized I've gone about this ALL WRONG.

In fact, the whole world has approached this without the edgy verve and lust that men can give inanimate objects. Time to inject some testosterone into the world of vacs.

I propose that vacuums---henceforth only known as vacs because that sounds sort of like a Three Letter Acronym and we all know how men respond to them--anyway, all vacs must be seen as sleek beauties. They need to be sexxed up. There should be talk about horsepower and the joy of a good run (session?) with the vac.

Someone needs to produce a whole show, a la Top Gear. There's be backlighting, classical music, and slo-mo footage as the Vac of the Week is brought in, and some British guy's voice goes on and on about its features that make it a "monstrous choice" and "the only one out there with [some numbers and random facts thrown in]"

Clearly guys like Mr. Dyson would be the Shits! He'd be an honored pioneer and the studio would feature at least one signed, life-sized poster portraying him standing, arms folded, head back glaring out at the live audience--which would have to include at least a few guys with no shirts (every notice how there are pretty women at the front of the Top Gear crowd?) and sporting tattoos of classical vacs on their upper arms.

The show would consist of segments, including interviews with vacuum crank/experts ("electrolux is the only worthwhile choice") arguing with other crank/experts ("electrolux hasn't produced anything worth looking at since [insert model name, preferably with lots of numbers and some random letters] version in 1976.") It would have to get passionate and insulting. ("Jesus, you'd be better off with a broom, you wanker!") There's be a comic relief as part of the argument, say a clueless guy who doesn't even know how to turn on a vac and has had a cleaning service forever.

There'd be the funny vac-off segment with challenges that a regular vacuum cleaner would never face--maybe a bed of nails--all filmed from a low angle so the machines look like scary-ass destructive devices.  We'd realized that all vacs are towering powerful erect growling scary PENISES that would take on anything in their paths and WIN.

Vacs would have to become slightly more dangerous. Maybe gasoline could be introduced? or the really powerful ones could have flames shooting out the back? Only professionals can operate them.

The three guys, regular blokes, would have to build their own vacs, then pretend to be door to door salesmen selling them. And of course there'd be long pretentious essays about the history of vacuums and how far we've come/how we've lost the soul of the first machines--depending on whether it's the old fogey or the young up-and-comer making the argument.

Anyway. That's what I was just planning out because my MP3 player is broken so it was just me and my MACHINE at work.


  1. lol! I'm for anything that'll get my 3 boys to contribute to housework!!

  2. Anonymous5:34 PM

    Buy me a good, semi-cheap backpack vacuum cleaner for x-mas, please. I hate that stupid upright you seem to love...

    --Guess Who


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