See "writing these is not a choice time, boys" explanation in middle boy's contribution. ("Ted" who did not appear in the middle boy's play also did his mother's day tribute as well, but it's not going to end up on the blog. But let me just point out that it's sweet, cute and I love it too.)
ARTICLE I- TEMPORAL NATURE OF AGREEMENT'S BINDING
The AGREEMENT OF MOTHERHOOD to be made between the FIRST PARTY and the SECOND PARTY is to begin on INSERT DATE HERE and to conclude until one such party shall deem it necessary to renege the contract. For further contractual bindings of both parties, see various and sundry other forms to be provided by a legitimate LEGAL CONSULTANT
ARTICLE II- THE INITIAL CONTACT (PRE-NATAL) PERIOD AND SYNCHRONOUS LEASE OF THE SECOND PARTY
It is agreed upon by the FIRST PARTY shall give access to the SECOND PARTY, freely and without expectation of recompense, all blood, nutrients, genetic material, mucous, housing etc., for a period no more than NINE MONTHS during which time the SECOND PARTY will, by his/her undersignature here, agree to GIVE AN OCCASIONAL KICK to indicate that he is present. This period of mutual codependency shall be known as the PREGNANCY, and shall expire upon natural expulsion of the SECOND PARTY, or unless OTHER CIRCUMSTANCES call for OTHER PROCEDURES to be elucidated by a designated pre-natal/immediate post-natal specialist.
ARTICLE III- INITIAL POST-NATAL ACCORDS
After such time as PREGNANCY shall end and the SECOND PARTY'S lease shall expire and he shall be expelled from the WOMB, he will cry and scream for a period of no less than A FUCKING BILLION GODDAMN YEARS, during which period the FIRST PARTY (and any parties attached to the FIRST PARTY via legal binding matrimonial or otherwise) will acquire approximately TWO HOURS of sleep a night. During this period the FIRST PARTY agrees to provide all amenities deemed by a relevant authority to the SECOND PARTY'S welfare and, if deemed necessary by the FIRST PARTY or any part connected with the FIRST PARTY, any sort of recreational/leisure amenities deemed appropriate to the SECOND PARTY'S felicity or mental, physical, or emotional development. This period is from hereinafter referred to as the DEVELOPMENTAL PERIOD
ARTICLE IV- ACCORDS POST-DEVELOPMENTAL PERIOD AND LIMITS OF THIS CONTRACT
As the FIRST PARTY shall fulfill all terms and conditions elucidated in ARTICLE II and ARTICLE III (see above) in respect to both the SECOND PARTY or any number of SUBSEQUENT PARTY'S (n, n+1, n+2... n+x), so shall the second party, after a period of time NOT EXCEEDING the time tentatively outlined (though not explicitly stated due to lack of empirical/accurately evaluative evidence) in ARTICLE I (see above), the SECOND PARTY shall assume responsibilities deemed necessary by the FIRST PARTY. The SECOND PARTY shall possess minimal say in these assumed responsibilities to the extent that he can COMPLAIN or THREATEN TO RUN AWAY TO THE CIRCUS. The FIRST PARTY'S rights in regards the SECOND PARTY extrinsic to the legal bindings of THIS CONTRACT are elucidated in FORM 24875B-c6.
ARTICLE V- CONCERNING THE ANNUAL RECOGNITION OF THE SECOND (2ND) SUNDAY IN THE MONTH OF MAY
If the FIRST PARTY acts in compliance with the duties outlined in ARTICLES II through IV, then the SECOND PARTY is (among other duties elucidated on FORM 24876-d2) obligated through their signature to be signed under this contractual obligation in some way recognize the noble efforts of the FIRST PARTY via a TOKEN(S) of some sort.
ARTICLE v.1- CONCERNING THE TOKEN
The order of preference of the sensual medium of the TOKEN (S)is to be (listed in order of preference): written (visual), spoken (aural), topical, tasted (oral), or nasal. In regards the number and nature of this TOKEN(S), the SECOND PARTY is contractually obligated by their undersigned signature to provide minimal ONE (1) TOKEN(S) corresponding to the sensual medium of written (visual), spoken (aural), and topical. Optional TOKEN(S) may be supplied corresponding to the tasted (oral) or nasal sensual media. The nature of these TOKEN(S) must be LOVING and GRATEFUL in recognition of the contractually obligated duties fulfilled by the FIRST PARTY in regards the SECOND PARTY outlined above (See ARTICLES II-IV). If the FIRST PARTY deems the presented tokens corresponding to the first three categories of sensual media insufficiently LOVING and GRATEFUL, please refer to FORM 24878-a1.
ARTICLE v.2- CONCERNING THE JUDGMENT BY THE FIRST PARTY OF THE SENSUAL MEDIA TOKEN(S) AS "LOVING" OR "GRATEFUL"
The nature of the proffered tokens as embodying the articles LOVING and GRATEFUL shall be the express right of the FIRST PARTY. Reference may be made via appeal by the SECOND PARTY by their filling out FORM 24878-a2, to be read over by the legal consultant of both parties in the event the SECOND PARTY opts to appeal the judgement of the FIRST PARTY concerning the TOKEN(S)
ARTICLE 6- HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY
The SECOND PARTY, in recognition of the fulfillment of ARTICLES II through IV, and in recognition of the contractually bound duties bestowed upon him in all sub-articles of ARTICLE V, and in recognition of the legally binding nature of the relationship between the FIRST PARTY and the SECOND PARTY alluded to and temporally bound in ARTICLE I (for more information on the nature of this relationship consult the pertinent forms to be provided by a LEGAL CONSULTANT), will hereafter express, via a token corresponding to the sensual medium of written (visual), his wishes that the FIRST PARTY experience all due JOY and MATERNAL BLISS endowed upon her via her fulfillment of all duties elucidated and alluded to in the above articles.
Happy Mother's Day!