AS IS REQUIRED

Traditions! The breakfast in bed is no longer delivered (by the off-spring, anyway), the big spring-cleaning not an all-day event--however the homemade card is essential and nonnegotiable. This is one of this year's cards.


 The Battle of Mother’s Day             
                                                                          
                                                                          
                      Cast of Characters                          
                                                                          
     MOTHER: Matron of the Mavis clan and harried homeowner                                                                                             
     ANDERS: Wicked malformed eldest child of MOTHER                
                                                                          
     ALDUS: Middle child; he is a paragon       
                                                                    
     TED:Does not appear in this manuscript                         
                                                                          
     THE LATE BUDDHA: A deceased, saintly figure         
                                                                         
                                                                          
Scene The Mavis family room 

Time Midday                                                           
    

ACT I
Scene 1
ANDERS is sitting on the couch, being wicked and malformed. Enter from the kitchen up. right MOTHER, looking very nice.
MOTHER
Anders: Do you know what day it is today?
ANDERS
Today is Be-Ungrateful-and-Unreasonably-Spiteful-to-my-Superior-and-Attractive-Family Day, known also as Every Day.
MOTHER
Anders, that is wrong. You are as stupid and empty-headed as you are wicked and malformed. Today is MOTHER'S DAY.
ANDERS
Is it MOTHER'S DAY? I was too busy not bearing you grandchildren and festering in my own various discharges to notice.
MOTHER
It is.
ANDERS
Ah.
MOTHER
Have you made the prerequisite Mother's Day Card I badgered you (quite justifiably and while looking very nice) into making? Like your saintly brother, Aldus? Or Ted, who will not be appearing in this scene?

ANDERS
I did not. I was too busy touching Aldus without his first providing express permission and dirtying his clothes due to the thin mucous membrane which at all times coats me.
MOTHER
Well, well. Get on top of that, Anders.
ANDERS
I shall not. I am scanning this planet.
MOTHER
O you are a very ungrateful, wicked, and malformed child. Not like your brother, Aldus. Here he comes now.
ALDUS enters from KITCHEN, being exemplary. He is on his way to visit the PRESIDENT and also EMERIL LAGASSE.
ALDUS
Hello, Mother and brother. I am on my way to meeting with the PRESIDENT and EMERIL LAGASSE to discuss preparations for the upcoming gala held in mother's honor, in the Torch of the Statue of Liberty. In Hawaii. The LATE BUDDHA will also be present.
ANDERS
Aldus, I direct my impotent rage at you.
ALDUS
Oh geez, then I had better exit soon. Mother, there will be Leis at the party as well as a young & attractive Clint Eastwood, not that you would do anything with him as you are a good and caring wife/mother. But still. FATHER is not appearing in this scene either.
MOTHER
Thanks a big bunch.
ALDUS
It is the least I could do for you emitting me from your genitals 19 years ago. Farewell!
He exits, pirouetting to avoid feces thrown at him from ANDERS

MOTHER
Now, Anders. Are you going to help clean the house?
ANDERS
No, as I am a smelly gaylord.
MOTHER
And you are not going to make a card? If you do neither thing I shall have no recourse other than to beat you to death with this copy of David Foster Wallace's Infinite Jest in a clever ironic metaphor for something.
ANDERS
I will not write you a card, either.
MOTHER
Then I will beat you to death.
SHE does. ALDUS reenters, with THE LATE BUDDHA.
ALDUS
Although the death of my brother was justified, I mourn for him still because I am that big of a person.
MOTHER
Don't worry about him. Let's have lemon cake.
ALDUS.
O.K.
THE LATE BUDDHA performs funeral rites for ANDERS, then a BERGAMASK DANCE to scattered applause.
Exeunt Omnes.

Comments

  1. Anonymous9:10 PM

    I guess I shall not have to ask which (exemplary) offspring wrote this little scene.

    Toni (who also did not appear in this scene but is single and therefore can sleep with the young Clint Eastwood)+

    ReplyDelete
  2. Beware, Kate! There is an evil and hilarious genius in your house!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Beware Kate, Kristan has someone's number . . . me thinks you have trouble brewing.

    ReplyDelete
  4. And apparently my oldest is Richard III.

    They usually give me lists.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Linda8:42 PM

    Needs more Ted!

    ReplyDelete

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