AS IS REQUIRED
Traditions! The breakfast in bed is no longer delivered (by the off-spring, anyway), the big spring-cleaning not an all-day event--however the homemade card is essential and nonnegotiable. This is one of this year's cards.
The Battle of Mother’s Day
Cast of Characters
MOTHER: Matron of the Mavis clan and harried homeowner
ANDERS: Wicked malformed eldest child of MOTHER
ALDUS: Middle child; he is a paragon
TED:Does not appear in this manuscript
THE LATE BUDDHA: A deceased, saintly figure
Scene The Mavis family room
ANDERS is sitting on the couch, being wicked and malformed. Enter from the kitchen up. right MOTHER, looking very nice.
Anders: Do you know what day it is today?
Today is Be-Ungrateful-and-Unreasonably-Spiteful-to-my-Superior-and-Attractive-Family Day, known also as Every Day.
Anders, that is wrong. You are as stupid and empty-headed as you are wicked and malformed. Today is MOTHER'S DAY.
Is it MOTHER'S DAY? I was too busy not bearing you grandchildren and festering in my own various discharges to notice.
Have you made the prerequisite Mother's Day Card I badgered you (quite justifiably and while looking very nice) into making? Like your saintly brother, Aldus? Or Ted, who will not be appearing in this scene?
I did not. I was too busy touching Aldus without his first providing express permission and dirtying his clothes due to the thin mucous membrane which at all times coats me.
Well, well. Get on top of that, Anders.
I shall not. I am scanning this planet.
O you are a very ungrateful, wicked, and malformed child. Not like your brother, Aldus. Here he comes now.
ALDUS enters from KITCHEN, being exemplary. He is on his way to visit the PRESIDENT and also EMERIL LAGASSE.
Hello, Mother and brother. I am on my way to meeting with the PRESIDENT and EMERIL LAGASSE to discuss preparations for the upcoming gala held in mother's honor, in the Torch of the Statue of Liberty. In Hawaii. The LATE BUDDHA will also be present.
Aldus, I direct my impotent rage at you.
Oh geez, then I had better exit soon. Mother, there will be Leis at the party as well as a young & attractive Clint Eastwood, not that you would do anything with him as you are a good and caring wife/mother. But still. FATHER is not appearing in this scene either.
Thanks a big bunch.
It is the least I could do for you emitting me from your genitals 19 years ago. Farewell!
He exits, pirouetting to avoid feces thrown at him from ANDERS
Now, Anders. Are you going to help clean the house?
No, as I am a smelly gaylord.
And you are not going to make a card? If you do neither thing I shall have no recourse other than to beat you to death with this copy of David Foster Wallace's Infinite Jest in a clever ironic metaphor for something.
I will not write you a card, either.
Then I will beat you to death.
SHE does. ALDUS reenters, with THE LATE BUDDHA.
Although the death of my brother was justified, I mourn for him still because I am that big of a person.
Don't worry about him. Let's have lemon cake.
THE LATE BUDDHA performs funeral rites for ANDERS, then a BERGAMASK DANCE to scattered applause.