I did this, fool that I am.
All those comments later, I feel the following announcement is the only possible response post-that-particular-post:
Very soon I plan on changing my name(s) and moving to a cabin in Vermont miles from anything, including a public library.
I'm going to raise goats, chickens, and owls and forget how to use the keyboard. I'll write all my stories long-hand and then curse the publishers who send me form rejection letters. I won't be able to get on the internet to curse them publicly, so within a day or so I'll grow hoarse yelling at the sky.
I will miss cracked.com's lists and the kitty pictures. I will also miss Gawker, God save me, and that's part of the reason I must go.
I'll let you know what name I pick, so you and the rejecting editors can send me reponses via USPS.