An Occasional God

I don't have a permanent resident in the spot. I have manifestations of love. And I hardly think a blue bathrobe invented the universe.

I have faith envy, and every now and again, I try to impose some form of god on life. I don't often succeed, and I never manage to conjure a personal god above as an all powerful being that gives a damn. I don't get a Creator God of any sort, at least not one that knows me. But every now and then I do manage a very tiny god, smaller than Anoia (from the disk world). It's an internal force, that I know it's me, but is a part of me that stays strong when much of the rest of me is crumbling under some weight. I figure it's still in the upper branches of the brain--we're not talking lizard brain--but it's rather like the emergency lights that flicker on when the power goes down...when coping isn't high on my list.

You can't chug along for more than 50 years without running into tough times. Granted, mine have been pretty easy--I know this because I've met far too many people who've face real, mind-warping pain. Nevertheless I've had an small issue or two, and this internal version of god/love has shown up now and then--not always. But when it does, it speaks with an actual voice. I don't know why. I don't invent it consciously.

The part has been played by my brother's wife. It has been my older women friends (nearly all of whom are dead now). Interestingly, my mother hasn't been one of the voices to tell me to calm the hell down or  accept love or whatever that voice does (usually cliche, but I don't need originality. I just crave some answer). As far as I can remember it's always female, which makes sense. That's been true until earlier today when I had a moment of fetching up a morsel of god and it spoke in my son's voice.

Well,huh. Okay. If you're going to have a bizarro version of this, might as well be truly absurd.

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