Thursday 13 Piddly details I'd change if I were in charge
1 . Fruits and veggies like tomatoes and zucchini would ripen a few at a time, not a huge crop all at once.
2. The puzzles would not appear on the comics page so I could read the comics without suddenly having the urge to solve a lame word scramble.
3. School would start at 9 am and end just before dinner so I could get some work done and make dinner without interruption.
4. It's a classic wish, but a good one: chocolate cake would be an acceptable main course and would beat tofu in the nutitional category.
5. My mind would not go blank if I wanted to create a humorous poem. I'd be as good as Valkyrie, as clever as Evil Auntie Peril, as sharp as Candy. Sigh.
6. Everyone I loved, liked and admired would live within a ten minute walk.
7. Camelot weather. Rain at night, sunshine during the day.
8. Those ads (usually for cereal) that portray librarians, teachers or parents as boring fusty jackasses fined by the FCC. The people who design them will be seen as boring fusty jackasses by their kids. [note: I think they're probably as ineffective as Bob's Furniture ads but they're still obnoxious]
9. Bob's Furniture ads and Crazy Bruce's Liquor will only be used as Alternative Questioning Devices in George Bush's secret prisons.
10. The scraggly weeds all over my garden would turn into lush, gorgeous "volunteers"
11. Really bizarre dreams with seemingly portentious details would come with individual interpretive guides. "What Your Subconscious Is Trying to Tell You." As L suggested, you could wake up and check the translation PDA that's been wired to your brain.
12. The news graphic banners must go. CindyS's and not mine, but absolutely urgent action must be taken. Nothing more appalling than a huge disaster and then, ten minutes after it occurs, some slick graphic (featuring a flag in the background) shows up on television news. Usually with a catchy title -- another feature to be banned.
13. Ditto heroic names for wars and battles. Operation "colon Something Dramatic and Manly" would be eliminated.
Operation: Jungle Freedom = outlawed.
Operation: Possibly Fruitless Waste of Life = acceptable
2. The puzzles would not appear on the comics page so I could read the comics without suddenly having the urge to solve a lame word scramble.
3. School would start at 9 am and end just before dinner so I could get some work done and make dinner without interruption.
3a. Wait a sec--change the dinner thing. A fabulous chef would come to our house every day and plead to make us dinner. ("yeah, if you insist, Morimoto. But you have to buy the ingredients. And we're tired of truffles, okay?")
4. It's a classic wish, but a good one: chocolate cake would be an acceptable main course and would beat tofu in the nutitional category.
5. My mind would not go blank if I wanted to create a humorous poem. I'd be as good as Valkyrie, as clever as Evil Auntie Peril, as sharp as Candy. Sigh.
6. Everyone I loved, liked and admired would live within a ten minute walk.
6a The dogs next door would live in Kyrgyzstan.
7. Camelot weather. Rain at night, sunshine during the day.
8. Those ads (usually for cereal) that portray librarians, teachers or parents as boring fusty jackasses fined by the FCC. The people who design them will be seen as boring fusty jackasses by their kids. [note: I think they're probably as ineffective as Bob's Furniture ads but they're still obnoxious]
9. Bob's Furniture ads and Crazy Bruce's Liquor will only be used as Alternative Questioning Devices in George Bush's secret prisons.
9 a No more secret prisons.
10. The scraggly weeds all over my garden would turn into lush, gorgeous "volunteers"
11. Really bizarre dreams with seemingly portentious details would come with individual interpretive guides. "What Your Subconscious Is Trying to Tell You." As L suggested, you could wake up and check the translation PDA that's been wired to your brain.
12. The news graphic banners must go. CindyS's and not mine, but absolutely urgent action must be taken. Nothing more appalling than a huge disaster and then, ten minutes after it occurs, some slick graphic (featuring a flag in the background) shows up on television news. Usually with a catchy title -- another feature to be banned.
13. Ditto heroic names for wars and battles. Operation "colon Something Dramatic and Manly" would be eliminated.
Operation: Jungle Freedom = outlawed.
Operation: Possibly Fruitless Waste of Life = acceptable
My rule borders on sci-fi, but it's no more implausible than lush volunteers overtaking the weeds!
ReplyDeletelovelysalome's rule: other people, even my children, would be able to read my mind - but with the cavaet that they would only do so to figure out what I want and then would be compelled to obey. As such, my husband would know all the right places (and when and how much) to touch and would recognize those crappy times when I just need to spontaneously hear him call me smart or beautiful. And the kids would know when mommy just needs a few minutes of quiet. Sigh.
My rule: we get to have sex all the time, several times a day, with whomever is available, just like the bonobo chimps.
ReplyDeleteHeh heh.
Rule 2: blogger's word ident thingie would know longer put v's and w's right next to each other.
Kate, your world sounds lovely.
ReplyDeleteHere are a few rules from mine:
- Library books may be checked out for 4 weeks instead of three.
- It is against the law to interrupt a person who is quietly reading by themselves in order to ask them what they are reading.
- Any behemoth SUV found parked in a space labeled "Compact" will be compacted, free-of-charge by a municiple fleet of mobile car crushers.
Hi, Kate, you've just convinced me. I gotta do that Thirteen Thursday thang. Right on about GB's secret prisons. It makes me ashamed to be an American abroad. And don't worry about your garden - it's the end of the summer, no one's is looking good anymore. Make resolutions for next spring, that's how I do it (but I just moved in...) ;-)
ReplyDeleteOMG - I peed a little - okay, maybe a lot. Thanks for #12 - I think we should rush it through whatever moral judgement chamber takes care of this stuff and make it a law!
ReplyDeleteNumber 13 - perfect. Let's just call it what it is 'Ball's to the Walls boys'
I need number 11 but I think my dreams are telling me I'm a waste of life so I think I'll need a translation device that lies. Lies a lot.
6a - Every person in my old neighbour wished the same for my dogs. Now I live in Doggy central and I only have one old guy left and I don't think he has made a peep since we moved!
7. Camelot weather - forever and ever.
Terrific list - thanks for the laughs!
CindyS
bettie: my library has 4-wk check outs! Is this heaven? No, it's Wisconsin!
ReplyDeleteCamelot weather? Is it about 55 when it's raining at night? And then about 80 during the sunshiney days?
ReplyDeletePerfect!